Cola Cola Cola Chemeleon

After a comment free hot chick article, which had the added bonus of me getting to see Natalie Portman whenever I opened my blog to check on the lack of comments, I figured I'd talk about last weekends trip to Columbia. This sequel stars myself, one of my best friends who I will call DP, and two of his roommate's friends who joined us for the trip, TJ and Jerry. Also starring are Jennifer and the king of the Saucer Paul.

OK so I get there on Friday afternoon at about 6:30 to find DP washing his overly expensive car. Without a woman in his life, DP's woman has become this car. He loves this car more then he loves anyone who rides in it, walks near it, touches it or any other variation. If you're thinking about it right now, he probably would like you to stop because it might cause water droplets on the paint. So when he washes his car, its really something incredibly amusing to watch. So I'm standing there drinking one of the beers I brought along, shootin the shit with him while he washes his baby with various sizes of the car wash mitten. He's finally satisfied after accidentally shooting both me and himself with the hose. I go in and shower while he runs three miles. DP has an incredible workout habit despite drinking his weight in Lager each week at various pint night, mystery pint night, and trivia night drinking specials. He gets back and showers and we head out to THE SAUCER. The start of every night barhopping in Columbia starts with the Saucer. They have over 200 beers and part of DP's new found alcoholism has him racing through them three at a time to get the next color of backing on his plate hanging on the wall. As usual we crash with Paul who has drank enough in there that he has authority to influence hiring and firings. This is a huge plus since besides being a nice guy, we usually get a table and an overattentive "Beer Goddess" to help us out with our every need. I'm excited that ours just happens to be the hottest woman I've ever seen and stutter through ordering pretty much whatever she recommends. I'm easy like that. Eventually TJ and Jennifer show up and join the three of us in cramming into the booth. After a couple hours of messing with phones, eating, drinking, taking blood sugar readings and various other tomfoolery and shenanigans we decide to head to 5 points.

5 points is the other side of Columbia where the bars are slightly cheaper and all of them are packed full of fairly awful USC people. Girls that are wasted and flailing around in their unapproachable circle of impenetrability, most of which chain smoking as well. And Guys that are mostly very frattastic and waiting for the drunken circles to break slightly so they can refill the alcohol reserves for an easy score later. We go to several bars, most of which are stuffed full to the point that it takes you a good fifteen minutes to get a drink at the bar. I hate crowded bars more then anything. I would rather a bar have no one in it and allow me to talk to my friends and drink to my little heart's content. A shining bonus of getting to talk to Jennifer, who is an unbelievably chill and fun chick, keeps me rolling along. By the end of the night we've hit at least a half dozen bars (including one that had really good cheap pizza and buzztime trivia) and I'm smiling like there's no tomorrow. Fun night, no worries, we go home and play the majority of a game of beer pong and I get to pass out on DP's roommate's bed since he isn't there.

The next day, after several unsuccessful attempts to get up, I finally make it out at 12:30ish still feeling surprisingly drunk despite the 9 hours of sleep that I got. Fast forward through a day of eating and playing video games to another trip to the Saucer. DP needs his three beers of the day, informing me that he's only $400+ dollars away from his next color of decorative flatware. Jerry joins us this time, trading out for Jennifer(not exactly a good trade) and informs us that he's already had more alcohol during the day then I planned to have in the course of a weekend. We leave Saucer and head to this "party" at a bar that I've been told is on the shady side of Columbia. So shady in fact that no one thinks its a good idea to leave their car there. It does however have a RFID gadget on the door to only allow members to enter (until they enter and prop the door open) because they felt that making it a member's bar would cut down on the fighting. This place is unlike any place I've been to. Side by side in this establishment are college students(probably underage) and some of the shadiest characters in Columbia. After an hour we decide to slip out and go back to 5 points. We bounce from bar to bar, all of them fairly unimpressive. For some reason I'm not feeling drunk but an increasing ache throughout my entire body which is fairly unpleasant. After closing time we head back to the shady bar which I'm told really picks up after closing because of everyone wanting to continue their drinking in the only place left open. I'm about to buy the four of us some beers when I notice that the other three guys are not in the bar at all anymore. I leave the bar to find them surrounding Jerry who is very sick and painting the wall of the bar a slightly better color. He finishes up and we go into the bar where he looks worse and worse and I suggest we leave. DP gives Jerry a plastic bag so big that he could have probably fit his entire body in it and off we go back to his place, the entire time DP is saying variations of "If you're going to puke, puke in the bag" and "If you puke in my car I'm going to force you to buy me an entire new car" We're about five minutes from his place when all of a sudden Jerry sticks his entire head into the bag and starts throwing up. While hes throwing up TJ is trying to explain to him that he doesn't have to have his whole head in the bag, and Bryan is still yelling away about not letting a drop of throw up out of that bag and into his precious baby. I can't help but smile at the spectacle. We get home and Jerry does a combination of throwing up and passing out while I decide to crash on the couch and watch a movie instead of going back out to the shady bar with the other two.

I awoke the next day to a crescendo for bathroom vomiting and headed home from yet another crazy adventure to Columbia.