The Hinder Factor and Other Thoughts

The other day I was driving back to work at lunch and had a breakthrough thought. If you listen to a Hinder album and can relate to the songs, you are part of a bad relationship. With songs such as Better Than Me, Nothing Good about Goodbye, Lips of an Angel, and How Long (which don't sound very bad with just the titles) the album is a catalogue of relationship woes. Try it out, you could learn things.

Why the heck did they have to cancel Pushing Daisies? For a channel that has such shitty unintelligent shows as Wife Swap and Nanny 911, is it too much to ask that one night a week they put on a show that is actually good. I guess this show shows how stupid the majority of the American television audience are.

Tomorrow, on the 18th of December, its supposed to be 70+degrees in South Carolina. Thank you Jesus for answering my chilly prayers.

I wonder if I made more if I would have more spare money around or if I would just spend more. Sounds like something I wish I could test out.

Speaking of which these commercials that make it look like the thing to do at Christmas is giving away a Lexus or a $3000 ring are pretty unbelievable. While I would love the ability to give away high end automobiles, it sorta seems like bad advertising to believe that you can influence enough of the TV watching public into buying them that you could pay for prime time advertising.

Infused with Goodness

I was determined this weekend to have a great time. While not a horrible week, I wasn't very successful in the major project I had hoped to accomplish. A birthday party for The Katie on Wednesday did a good job on tiding me over to the weekend with a nice infusion of midweek fun (even though The Katie started crying when she saw me at the bar, not very good to see even if its happy tears). When Friday rolled around I had every reason to believe that it would be a fantastic weekend.

After a long nap I figured that showing up by 6 would be plenty of time for Jeb and BMS to get home and start hanging out. With holidays and being in other parts of the state, it would be the first time I'd hung out with Jeb in three weeks and would be the last time I'd see him before New Years. He had also made it clear that Friday would be the only day this weekend that he would be in town, having already committed to two Christmas parties on Saturday. This was fine with me since the epic friends' Christmas was planned (at the last minute) for Saturday afternoon. Anyway I showed up at Casa de Hunter around 6 and as I was pulling in I received a call from Jeb saying that he was still at work. But he encouraged me to go on in and he would be home in a little bit. So I go in and drop off my stuff and let the dogs out of their little cage as they were freaking out with the introduction of a human to their private party. I let them outside and was just sitting down and getting used to them trying to interrupt me reading a magazine when my phone rang.

C.P. had apparently gotten out of work early and had been drinking since 3 in the afternoon. He wanted me to come over and join him in continuing the hitting the bottle. I was greeted by a miniature pint glass of the current Benjamin's Bastard Brew. We played Mario Cart and sipped booze while the rest of the party got to town. An hour and another argument about shoes later (two weeks in a row) we headed downtown to meet Mr. and Mrs. H at Nick's. We were sure however to drive through the drive through of Rite Aid and taunt C.P.'s brother Ginger through the drive through call system (which may or may not have involved the penis game).

Nick's was packed as usual as we had a beer or two and talked about odds and ends and how amazing and unexpected it was that the polo twins are now engaged. Jeb and BMS finally showed up and we headed out to Griffin's (I know there's a pattern here). On the way we ran into Ginger and all gave him a group hug on the sidewalk. The really hot bartender was there as usual (Nicole or Melissa or something like that) and it was time for liquor. I was starving since I thought that I would be getting food at 6 when I showed up at Jeb's. After some buffalo chicken wrap and Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka (feel free to sponsor me Firefly, your shit is delicious) I was talked into leaving Griffin's for TTT's. I was pretty against it except for the part that the only women that were there were the wait staff and the women that we brought.

The ratio was much better at TTT's as we revolved around the place with two different pitchers that I unceremoniously mooched off of (in a good, "here friend have some liquor" kind of way). We eventually found a table and sang, danced and teased into the early morning hours. I may have threatened C.P. with punching when he wouldn't cut out trying to pinch my nipples (in a good, "here friend id prefer if I didn't have to punch you in the face" kind of way). Eventually both couples decided that they were too tired and left (an apparent plus to having a significant other is being able to have an easy excuse to head out). One thing I learned however was normal Mrs. H is funny, drunken Mrs. H is hilarious and makes deep throating motions in a crowded bar. Jeb and I finished the last of the alcohol and he decided that he might have to get up early tomorrow so we headed out. Even though when we got back Jeb beat the new Prince of Persia again before heading to bed (which is a really stupid ending and makes it a waste of a game). I ended up passing out on the sofa as usual.

The next day I woke up sort of early for a Saturday and watched part of a movie while waiting for a ride to my car to drive home. The party was scheduled for 3 at Mr. and Mrs. H's. Fried turkey was promised and Mrs. H is like Martha Stewart so I definitely expected everything to be absolutely unbelievable. So when 3 rolled around I grabbed my Secret Santa gift (I was designated to buy for The Katie, got her this goofy looking snow hat that she could wear in Sweden, it could have been lame but the other women at the party all asked where to get one for themselves, so I either did a fairly good job or they were being nice) and my fairly unsophisticated bottle of wine and headed over. I expected everyone would be super late, but I showed up at quarter after 3 and was at least an hour ahead of the next guest. Seems sorta like a bad thing but it didn't turn out to be that bad as I got to chat with the H's and hear stories from Mrs. H that I wouldn't expect her to say (that involved watching porn). Amazing appetisers and The Katie, C.P., D.P., L.C., and Keihner followed. There was some football throwing, video game playing and something that involved parking a boat. Frying the turkey only caused a small fire and dinner as I predicted was amazing. We ate until we were all stuffed and sat around telling funny stories afterwords. We did the whole secret Santa thing and the polo twins ducked out fairly early. We sat around on the deck for a while when I definitely felt tired enough that I wanted to go home but was met with a lot of resistance (see this is where the significant other comes in handy, no one questions a woman feeling tired and needing to be driven home). There was a bottle of really alcoholic beer that had a hint of brown sugar (not really tasty to me) broken out and split between all of us and I gave my share away. People started to get cold and I thought it was my perfect time to duck out. Unfortunately I wasn't very secretive and my plan was figured out immediately. I still headed out and passed out upon reaching my home.

So apart from a nice trip to Red Robin today with D.P. and L.C. before they drove back to Columbia, and plenty of laundry, that was the weekend. Hope yall enjoyed it as much as I did.

Christmas Spirit

I don't know whats wrong this year. Usually I'm pumped for Christmas and as a very positive person, I'm usually really feeling great with the general positiveness of the season. This season however, I just can't get into it.

I turned down my mom's offer to get me a little Christmas tree for the apartment.

I've barely even started Christmas shopping. Last year I was pumped to go out and get thoughtful gifts for friends and family, this year I find other things to do and just put it off.

Today at lunch they were playing Christmas music over the speakers at Quiznos and I really contemplated asking them to change the channel.

I even have Christmas lights up on my balcony (in the shape of lobsters!!! My neighbors are coming up with theories on the hidden meaning between the lobsters and the poorly strung light rope.) and it still doesn't help to put me in the Christmas spirit.

This Christmas break is going to be huge, eight days off, and I get to go home and be with the family this year. And still no enthusiasm.

I don't know what it is this year but it just sorta fills me with apathy. I'm not even really sure if I'm bothered by it. It's just kinda strange.



In case you haven't noticed (or complained to me in person), I haven't wrote on here in a long while. The other day C.P. texted me at work and asked me why. So I thought I would share it with yall. The reason that my writing has cut down (aside from laziness) is that it seems so much harder lately to tell a weekend story without cutting out large interesting, fairly funny parts because they could embarrass someone or tick off someone else. Its not even bad things but leaving them out would really make for a bare bones story without the funny anecdotes that I think that everyone who reads this blog enjoys. I can't write about friends fighting, even if their arguments are at times some of the most hilariously pointless fights I've ever heard. And even if I do well with the ladies, I can't really write about it later. It just has seemed so difficult lately to get a great post worthy story up.

That and I'm lazy.

Insider Trading is Dumb and Stuff

Last week or so, Mark Cuban, the owner of the Dallas Mavericks got busted for insider trading. Sucks for him. Because really the whole idea for busting people for insider trading is dumb. Think of it this way. You and a bunch of your friends put your money in a pot. Then one of your friends tells you that if you don't take your money out of the pot someone will set it all on fire and you won't get anything back. You would take your money out of the pot. Insider trading is like that only on a much larger scale. I'm sorry but punishing these people because they were told that their $750,000 was going to disappear and them thinking that was a bad idea, is really dumb. Investing like life, doesn't need to be fair.

Apparently in the last week two of the characters from Laguna Beach were married. The only way that I would care about this is if the reception hall caught fire and got rid of the cast of Laguna Beach.

Last weekend Jeb and I were playing the new game Little Big Planet for the PS3. While possibly being one of the most beautiful, perfectly textured, fantastically witty games I have ever played. Playing it (especially with a friend) is the most frustrating experience of my life. What looks like a kids game, with characters call sackboys (which you can dress up with mustaches and sombreros, which is hilarious), is anything but kiddish. Jeb and I are not novice gamers but it was like asking five year olds to do Calculus.
Your partner goes and grabs the thing you were going to swing off of as you jump:
You die.
Your partner sets off explosives while you are right beside them:
You die.
You wait too long so your partner can get out of the way before you go:
You die.
One level even had depth charge type explosives that only exploded if you hit them onto some other object, guess how many times we died before I quit:
27.

I am leaving tomorrow for a trip back up to Pennsylvania for the Thanksgiving holiday. Plenty of family and friends that I haven't seen in over a year so we might get a crazy post Sunday but chances are after driving a combined twenty hours in the next five days, I won't be all that conscious Sunday night. Also feel free with your complaints on me not writing to suggest something that you would like to hear my opinion on. I could always use the suggestions.

Gurdy Gurdy and Bartender Infatuation Continued...

So I awoke (much earlier than I hoped) and got a ride back to Jeb's from Ish's. Immediately upon entering I almost fell back asleep on the couch, but was talked into hitting up some Moe's (that's a lot of apostrophes in two sentences). We got it to go and headed back to Jeb's to crash. And crash I did, falling asleep almost immediately upon finishing some burrito goodness.

I awoke later to the beginning of the Clemson football game and a video that Jeb took of me snoring. Clemson seemed to be doing half decently but as the game went I suggested we head down to Esso to watch the rest of the game and get more of their fairly good food. Sadly everyone and their mother had the same idea and we abandoned Esso for a walk up the street back to Griffin's. Griffin's has a big advantage over the Esso and she was definitely working Saturday night. This woman is a goddess and apparently also plays the guitar and teaches special needs children. She is like how you would describe the perfect woman to someone else. I want to make a move with all my being but can't for the life of me get up the nerve. Part of it could be that I enjoy the fantasy of the perfect girl and don't want that to be ruined by the inevitable rejection, but probably it has to do with my brain turning to mush when she talks to me and me being a big dumb ass around every woman there is. Anyway Jeb and I ate and had a great time sitting there for like six hours. At first I felt great, hanging out and having a good time, just still a little tired. But as the night went on I felt worse and worse. I did my best to hold it together, drinking a lot of water but it was no use. I was exhausted and felt horrible and had to get out of there. Even the silly teasing I was getting (which ranged from me drinking water to the way I was sitting?) was getting on my nerves. So I cashed out and got out of there. I strolled back to the condo in the cold (which surprisingly helped). After chatting with BMS for a little while about things that I don't remember in my deliriously tired state, I was able to get back to the couch to fall asleep.

The rest of the weekend involved staying much longer than I had planned, watching Jeb kick so much ass in Spiderman that he actually made the game skip. Once I got home I hunkered down and trimmed the inserts so they would be ready for Monday and watched three of my favorite movies. All and all it was a great weekend like usual, one I'd be happy to repeat any week.

Gurdy Gurdy and Bartender Infatuation

After sadly missing writing about last weekend's Halloween extravaganza, where, dressed as a doctor I dominated all challengers in Beer Pong to the point where I tried to handicap myself by holding small dogs at the same time, I decided to do my best to knock this entry out before the wave of Captain Pretentious's bitching hits my cell phone. For some reason, some weeks I just don't feel up to writing when I get home from work and last week was one of those weeks. Especially when I had to bring at least two hours of work home three days out of the week. So making it to the weekend (even with the disappointment that came with my week's work needing to be trimmed down this afternoon) was a welcome relief of the stresses of the work week. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but sometimes its very stressful. Especially those moments where you're trying to insert a piece of plastic into its holder in front of your client and its not fitting.

So after that stressful Friday morning where I was sent over to the hospital to put vinyl hours on their doors and deliver the stack of inserts that I had been working all week on, I was looking forward to getting the weekend started. All week on the radio at work I had been hearing about this sale going on at the one expo center where you could get electronics for much cheaper than normal. I had been wanting a wireless router for weeks, hoping to allow both my x-box and my computer to access some Internet at the same time, with the added bonus of being able to surf the net on the couch or in bed. So after work I headed over there. I was greeted by a sign telling me that I would have to pay four dollars just to park. I never carry cash. It just doesn't seem very logical for me to do so with the ability to use my debit card, so I had to drive around and find an ATM to get some money out. I finally got some cash and headed back to the lot where an old woman was collecting cash. Before handing her the money, I asked if I would be charged again before I was allowed to check out the merchandise in the expo center. She said it would be another seven dollars. So now I'd be up to eleven dollars before even seeing if they have anything I want. I kindly thanked the woman and did a U-turn back out onto the road. Anyway long story short, I ended up going to Walmart and buying one for what it would have cost to get into the expo center and purchase the shady marked down merch. Setting it up was another story as the directions are delightfully vague and the only way I got it to send out Internet was to directly plug to router into my computer, which sort of takes away from the benefit of the Internet being wireless. So hopefully I will figure it out later this week or get some help.

After failing at turning my apartment into a wireless haven, I put my stuff together and drove on down to Clemson, a surreal feeling because this now involves doing so in the dark despite it being only about five in the evening. I arrived at Jeb's place, seconds after a call saying that he had been caught at work and wouldn't be there for another forty five minutes. BMS was also absent and I basically just sat around waiting for someone to get home in a house that isn't mine. Jeb says that this isn't a problem but its still sorta weird to me. I was relieved to finally get a call from the Polo Twins (C.P and the Katie) extending an invitation of pizza. Ten Minutes later Benjamin time (45 minutes real time) we hopped in the car and headed over to Peppinos. Both Jeb and BMS had arrived home in those ten minutes and so the evening began. For some reason I have come to hate Peppinos because it seems like its always 90 degrees in there so I feel uncomfortable sitting in there sweating my ass off, waiting for their overly greasy pizza. Happily we weren't there too long and started our night out at the bars.

As usual we started at Nick's with a couple Dale's Pale Ales. One of the bartenders was told by my party that it would be funny to spank my ass, and did so on a sneak attack when I wasn't paying attention. We bounced from bar to bar and ended up as we often do at Griffin's. This was happily early enough to get a waitress for at least the beginning of the outing and she turned out to be a really cool chick that coincidentally was from twenty minutes away from my house in Pennsylvania. After a while of hanging out, she decided to join us after she got off, and we all had a fun time. Except for one thing. I don't really know how it started or why they do it, but when the Polo twins join us out drinking, everyone pinches my nipples. I am sitting there relaxing with my friends and suddenly one of the three of them will lay into me with some wicked pinching. I kinda don't get it, don't really appreciate it and wish they would just come up with something else to bug me with, but apparently to them it is hilarious. After the twins left, Jeb and I stuck around for another couple hours before heading home, where I somehow was able to get a ride from Ish to spend the night at her place, which is always nice.

To be continued....

Too Late and Zombie Troubles

After slacking through the entire week and not writing about the previous weekend, I'm not sure if it will get written about in detail. However here are a few things that we learned in the last weekend:

1) BMS should not drive and use the Blackberry at the same time- Holy crap. Emailing and driving on winding back roads and highways don't mix. I think my finger marks are permanently ingrained in the armrests.

2) Jeb's dad's boat is the shizzle- It's so close to the battleships in the harbor that you could stand on the back and peg people with rocks (if you wanted to do that) and once you're inside you can barely tell that you're even on a boat.

3) Charleston is Heaven- There is a five to one hot girl to guy ratio. So so many hot women. One day I will be there.

4) Women doing believable cricket noises is a surprising turn 0n- Yeah I didn't realize it myself.

and the big # 5

A lot of gas stations close by 11:00- Saturday night we had no gas and were crossing our fingers when the Garmin said that the next closest station was another 15 miles away (through the middle of flooded nowhere). Its OK the first time it tells you this, but by the fifth time in a muscle car, you start to worry a little bit.


Now on to zombies. I've been playing Dead Rising and had an incredibly angering time today with it. Here is my story.

I polish off the one boss easily with several shotgun blasts and get a call from Otis that my services are needed. I jump kick and smack my way through the zombies to a boarded up clothing store where two people have barricaded themselves in. I fight off the horde of zombie outside like the pimp I am and move some barricade to get inside. I'm rewarded with one of the two inhabitants running up and smacking me with a bat before I can explain that I'm here to save them. So I wail on him for a little until he finally gives up and he and his buddy decide to allow me to save their lives. I get outside the barricade and call for them to follow me while I restock some weapons at the hardware store. The hardware store is always good for zombie killing. I return to find that they not only got hung up on the environment, they are now fighting through zombies very poorly. I help them out and we go talk to Brad, which basically takes fighting though masses of zombies to have him be pissed off at some old man. So we head back the other way. A couple zombies catch me but overall I'm doing OK, and the two guys I saved are being troopers. I get another call from Otis which causes me to have to run around like a crazy person since the game doesn't allow me to fight and hear about missions at the same time. I'm told that there's a woman in the jewelery store who need my help. So my merry band of shitty fighters follows me to the jewelery store, sort of. As I go inside I look out and the biggest group of zombies ever has surrounded the two morons and they are not knocking down any of them. I head outside and somehow pick off the zombies with a shotgun without hurting the two guys in the middle. I get one of them back inside and the other one decides that he wants to crawl to the store. I'm waiting forever and picking off the zombies that are trying to eat him. I finally get them in the shop and talk to the girl who is hysterical over the loss of her baby. Unfortunately this means that she doesn't want to walk. So I scoop her up and realize that this has caused me to not be able to get over the counter and out the door. So I have to put her down, jump the counter and then stand there like a moron and call for them to follow me. This takes what seems like hours and finally I scoop her up and run through the horde of zombies(since again I can't do shit with her on my back) yelling to tweedle dum and tweedle dee to follow me. I get past two areas of the mall and get to the giant park in the middle. Unfortunately this starts a cut scene with three crazy guys on a Humvee running people down. So I run on up and invite the girl to join me in my trek to safety which is right across the clearing.
So I now have a girl on my back, and a girl and two guys running behind me through a park full of zombies. I think that I have lucked out because the hummer seems to be leaving my party alone for the time being and we cross the park with barely any incidents (besides the two guys getting stuck in a decorative pond until I walked up and continued yelling in their faces for them to follow me). We get to the door and its blocked by tons of zombies. I pull out my shotgun to clear a path when one zombie grabs me. One of the retard twins does his best to get it off me with the gun I had given him and manages to shoot me twice. As I'm picking up the girl again and thinking how awesome it will be when I get four rescues at the same time, out of nowhere the Humvee comes blasting on through smacking me into the wall following it up by blasting me to death with the mounted machine gun on the back.

And that's all she wrote. No rescue. No big bonus and feeling of wicked awesomeness. Just me, starting the game over.

Damn Zombies.

Sorry

I know I'm taking forever to write like usual, but it probably wont be until tomorrow, tonight is House and Fringe night so my time is taken up.

My Reaction to Tonight's House Episode

By Mike Robertson

Caution Spoilerz!?!?!

Tonight's episode made little to no sense to me. Sure there was the interesting case of the father/daughter combo who had no feelings and would sleep walk for long periods of time, where he would somehow drive his car and do coke, but then there was the underlying mishmash story line.

House continues to be overly dickish to Cutty (who I have a super crush on), and never really explains why he even cares that she's getting a kid. Then the big problem, the fucked up meth-addict mother. What, a meth addict who says shes been clean for a couple months is having health problems? No way. Then after they risk the baby's life to save her, she suddenly has a change of heart about giving the kid away? Now I had a feeling the whole time watching the episode that something would happen and Cutty wouldn't get the baby, but damn it Cutty. If that baby and her tiny underdeveloped lungs could speak, she would be telling you that its time to have a scene where you turn the pain meds up and cause the meth-addict mother (who will probably go back to drugs and unprotected sex even before she gets out the door of the hospital)to bite the big one and give the little tike a future in a nice neutrally painted room. Hell it would be a whole season's worth of drama where she struggles whether to come clean. Or at least fight it a little, how tough could it be to convince a judge that you would be a better parent then a drugged out teen. They could have slipped it in and still had time to include the poorly written ending where no impressive monologue is said about his feelings and House finally kisses her and leaves. Sure it was a sorta predictable episode of House that overall wasn't that bad, but I think the writers got lazy or something.

Let me know what yall think.

Butch, Sundance and Bojangles

I had a fantastic day today, got a raise (not a huge one, so don't go asking me to buy you dinner) after being told in my yearly review that I was the bomb diggity. I'm sort of uncomfortable when I'm the focus of a conversation, even when its good, but I was pretty stoked to be told by my boss that I was doing a good job and would be getting 8% more money each month. Anyway on with the weekend overview.

The weekend started like the others. Relaxing afternoon off from work. Fast food. Tennis in the Hamptons (no not really). Video games. After all that I drove on down to Clemson, stocking up on a four pack of Red Bull on the way to hopefully ward off the case of the yawns that usually catch up with me unusually early on a Friday night. Also I heard murmurs about having to get up at 8am on Saturday for another 12 hours of tailgating which sounded much better with an infusion of caffiene. I arrived just in time for Jeb to show me a new game he had rented before dinner. This game was called De Blob and consisted of moving your little paintball around this cartoon city and bringing color back to the area. Surprisingly very fun and very addictive. But 8pm rolled around and we decided to go to the Japanese place for dinner. BMS ordered this appatiser that appeared to be sugar snap peas with salt on them. She had some fancy name for them but they certainly weren't jalepeno poppers or anything. She put us to shame with her ability to open them with her mouth (no not in a dirty way) and we all ate up on Japanese for a while (with a mixup which involved a trade of squid for soup and a wasabi eating dare). Afterwords it was BMS late, so we dropped her off and headed downtown. We did the usual Nick's/Griffin's jump, both of which were surprisingly full. Plenty of eye candy but very difficult to fight my way through to get a drink. We had a good time. Sundance and Jeb's bald asian friend Chris showed up and we all but stayed until closing. When we arrived back at Jeb's, he was very interested in going to Walmart to get a straw cowboy hat for some reason and I decided to tag along and maybe get some food to calm down the influx of liquor that was rolling around in my stomache. However like any usual trip to Walmart, things didn't go to plan.

Things we didn't get:
Straw cowboy hat

Things we did get:
2 copies of a zombie video game
2 personal pizzas
1 microwavable gumbo

How these things arose out of a cowboy hat, I will never know. We also played Rock Band "Eye of the Tiger" which was for some reason set up in the men's clothing department. After this randomness we returned to the house and passed out at 3am.

---------

Flash forward 5 hours and arise Michael: King of the Undead. I had the worst hangover ever and seriously contemplated not going to tailgate again (a thought that enters my head every tailgate morning). In addition I was told that it was really cold outside, making me even more likely to spend my day on the couch. But after a shower and the promise of muffins shaped like tiger paws, I was out the door. I was sporting a nice yellow backpack full of liquor and my rock star sunglasses, despite it being a really cloudy day. We tailgated for a while and I was rewarded with lots of bacon (although I didn't ever get to see the elusive bacon-wrapped hot dog). I had pretty much given up on getting a ticket though, so after a trip downtown where Jeb and Butch got matching ridiculous hats, I went back to the house to chill and either watch the game on TV or paint cartoon slums. I was just about to settle into bringing joy to pasty little mediclorians when I got a call saying that some people didn't show up and I suddenly had a ticket. So I hoofed it back to the stadium and got to watch the game in person. Sadly however I apparently missed out on the UPS goody bag distribution. After our offensive line folded like laundry and we eked out a narrow loss (why do people still run onto the field after the game when we lose?), we headed back to the tailgate. Sadly the mythical bacon-wrapped hot dog never appeared, but the food was incredible as usual. After a little rain scare caused us to pack up, the guys still wanted to head downtown.
We start heading down there and its immediately very obvious that Bald Asian Chris is super intoxicated already. He's getting sick in the street, talking with a Boston accent and asking passers by if they have some coffee for him. He wanted to go to a bar that we never usually go to, Loose Change. Loose Change is a cramped little hole in the wall, a grungy little place that frat boys for some reason love. So I pretty much leaned up against a wall to stay out of the way of the drunken frat boys with homosexual tendencies wrestling with each other until it was happily time to leave. While Bald Asian Chris didn't cause a disturbance like I was hoping, there was a comical moment when he started chatting up this girl who had the funniest deer-in-the-headlights look on her face the whole time. After Loose Change we retreated to Griffin's again, where the First Couple of Polo showed up for approximately 20 minutes and then left. Eventually our group dwindled down to Jeb, Sundance, myself and a girl that I was introduced to as "Jen with one 'n'" (I don't think I've ever seen someone throw a double "n" when shortening Jennifer). Jen with one "n" was way too drunk to drive back to Easily, but wanted to go home. So we all left. Sundance and Jeb took her home while I went in and made my pizza that I had bought at Walmart the previous night and then passed out on the couch.

Sunday involved a trip to Bojangles (sorta disappointing side items, decent chicken) and easily getting talked into staying much longer than I was planning with a combination of Blue Ray Indiana Jones and Pizza Hut pasta. I was told that in the upcoming weekend that I "would be going" to Charleston. Not a question or a request. I'll be there. So that could be a good time. But I still always have a great time hanging out in Clemson and this weekend was definitely a good one.

My Own Worst Enemy

Watching the premier the other night I was troubled. Not because the plot wasn't nearly as tight as it should be. Not because Christian Slater is a fairly poor actor to be undertaking a role that he has to play a guy with multiple personalities when all the characters he plays have the same personality. Not even because a quarter of the episode was an advertisement for Chevy.

No I was worried about Mike O' Malley.

He really appears to be on death's doorstep.

See exhibit A.

Mike O' Malley before, when all he did was shout at kids on Nickelodeon's Guts!

And now just fifteen years later he appears to be 75 and depressed. I think it may be because they don't let him yell as much anymore.

So please NBC, get Mike O' Malley some help. Bruce Campbell isn't even in this bad of shape and you know a guy known for doing B-Movies had to have some pretty dark years. Or at least hire Maura Quirk as a character on the show. If theres anyone that can help him out its Mo.

Weekend Recap and My Thoughts

This weekend I decided to end my long absence in Columbia with a nice little visit. There was a chili cook off planned in Five Points and hanging out with D.P. and L.C. is always a fun time. So on Friday after killing a boat load of Venezuelans on my new 360, I packed up and drove the two hours to Columbia. As instructed I called him up when I got 20 minutes away and discovered that the plans had changed and I missed the exit he wanted me to get off on to drive to L.C.'s apartment. Luckily with the help of some vague directions ("I don't know the name of the road but its gotta be coming up sometime soon on the left") I made it to her place. Being the female version of D.P. her place was sort of a mess and the AC was malfunctioning so bad that it was pumping out two dollars worth of air with a two hundred dollar bill. I "chilled" on the balcony playing tug of war with her beautiful dog until D.P. showed up.

I wasn't too sure what we would do with the newly steadfastly sober D.P. So I just went with the flow. A flow that involved lots and lots of bar-b-que and the new DiCaprio spy movie. I also got to answer 864 questions from L.C. about things ranging from their relationship to sexual positions. L.C. has a gift for asking me questions that I don't want to answer but sticking with them long enough that I have no choice but to answer them.

Saturday we went to the cook off which was more awesome then I even expected. There were over 30 different little tents o' chili. Buffalo chili, venison chili, chili without beans, chili with Jim Beam (the only really horrible one I tasted), and chili that was so hot that I lost all feeling in my mouth. After eating enough chili to assure that my body would hate me terribly later we headed off to watch the rest of the South Carolina and Texas games. Sadly South Carolina won, and we headed out. They wanted to show me the new bar called Wet Willies. Instead of filling the back of the bar with liquor bottles, the place specialized in slushies made of grain alcohol. Give that a second to sink in. They make really tasty fruit slushies and dump a ton of high alcohol liquor in there too. The background of the bar was spinning with a dozen different colors and flavors. These ranged from normal fruit flavors to some named interesting things like Call-a-Cab and Attitude Adjustment. We literally chilled there for a while in nice big leather chairs and had a ball.

(This will be where the picture goes, when blogger stops being gay)

That's basically the whole weekend. It was a ton of fun and aside from a little credit card mix up it was pretty darn fantastic. It was also hilarious because I was told, "This is off the record, this shouldn't appear in your blog" about three dozen times and at the same time heard "We better do something crazy to end up in the blog" at least three or four times. Thus the blog is slightly fragmented but believe me when I say that it was a weekend that definitely made me consider heading back to Cola more often.

BONUS:
Since I like to review things.
(Again gay gay blogger and the malfunctioning picture button)
Body of Lies: Seeing previews for this movie gave me high hopes. It looked basically like The Departed 2 where instead of playing head shots r' us at the end of the movie they sent Leo off to the middle east to fight Al Quida (or however they spell it). Truth be told if I were to describe the movie I would describe it as The Departed meets Syriana. That said, good action scenes meets mind numbing boredom trying to get its fifteen minutes on the soap box scolding the mean dumb USA. The story line held me for the duration of the movie, but L.C. was disappointed because Leo and the hot middle eastern love interest didn't jump from not being able to hold hands to some steamy post-torture sex. I would say that if you are like Steve and want to have Leo's man babies, then this is one that you will love. Others could probably take it or leave it, but it was more or less good. Oh and Russell Crowe has a pretty darn good Southern twang going, which was pretty amusing.

I give this movie 3 out of 5 Goldstons

(My new rating system, and again if there was pictures, this is where goofy D.P. heads would go)

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Despite C.P.'s dislike of movies, I like them and watched this one yesterday and here's what I thought.

This movie is about a guy (Jason Segal) who gets dumped by his actress girlfriend (Kristen Bell) and then when he tries to get away and forget, ends up going to the same Hawaiian resort as her and her new boyfriend (Russell Brand).

For a comedy, this movie's first hour or so is very depressing to me. We can all relate to Segal's plight of getting dumped, which is made even worse because Kristen Bell is a frickin super hottie. If I somehow bagged a serious hottie like her, and got dumped after dating for five years, I would probably lie on my floor in the fetal position as well. The movie splashes in very funny parts during this hour of depression that make it good enough to keep watching. Segal's step-brother and his aloof wife, as well as the newly-wed couple are absolutely hilarious to me.

The problem comes in that it looks like someone at the production company said, "Let's see how many Superbad and 40-year-old Virgin actors we can fit in for little parts." Jonah Hill from Superbad does his patented fat and annoying character. Paul Rudd is very forgettable as a surf instructor. The movie wouldn't have lost anything just cutting every scene with them.

The other problem comes with Kristen Bell, who is far too likable to actually feel that she's the bad guy in this story. Her character has plenty of problems and I almost felt worse for her then for Segal's main character that gets dumped by her. She's hot, seemingly very funny and caring while Segal's character is a lazy oaf who barely cares about anyone but himself. Also the "That 70's show" chick that is the replacement love interest isn't nearly hot enough for me to think, "Well he got the better end of the stick in the end." While the story would have strayed from the usual, find new girl and end up in a better happy place story, I would have been fine with them just getting back together in the end. It probably would be more of a realistic end to the story.

The vampire musical saved this movie for me. Just as I was about to write it off as a mediocre 40-year-old Virgin knockoff, this part slid in and saved the whole thing. I would watch this movie again just to watch that scene.

Overall for all the hype that I heard about this movie, I was less then impressed. It's worth a rental, but that's about it. I give Forgetting Sarah Marshall a 2.5 out of 5.

Funniest Post-blog Text Ever

"I don't care about movies, go f*&% a fat girl and tell us about it....movies are boooooring"

Sadly they don't deliver those to my door in nice little red envelopes.

Run Fat Boy Run

I was greeted when I came home today after a day of work where I had to talk myself into sniffling on through, with a nice little red Netflix envelope containing this movie, Run Fat Boy Run. Starring Simon Pegg as a deadbeat dad who tells the woman that he left at the alter pregnant that he can change and will run in the upcoming marathon to show her he can finish something.

I found this movie very funny at times, especially the scenes with his obese Indian trainer swatting him with the spatula to get him to run faster. Of course it was a predictable good hearted family film, of course there's training montages, and of course there's male British ass (apparently an ingredient in all British comedies these days). But there's also Thandie Newton. I swear this movie had an underlying theme of worship to Thandie Newton. No matter if she's pregnant, angry, scared or depressed, she looks absolutely gorgeous and its actually written into the script for the actors to tell her so at almost a ridiculous rate.

This movie isn't the deepest puddle in the road, but it makes you feel good watching it and really makes you want to get out and exercise afterwords in hope that someday you too will impress a Thandie Newton. Or at least work off those fig newtons.

I give Run Fat Boy Run a 3.5 out of 5.

Other Blogs Suck

Now I'm sure it can't just be the bias that I have that my blog is a funny witty piece of Americana that all others should strive to copy. I've tried reading the featured blogs on the Blogger main page and they honestly and bluntly, suck terribly. I'm not sure how they get to become featured blogs when they are so unremarkably boring. One of them was actually about professional table setting. Another was about people who enjoy Pippi Longstocking. I am not fucking with you on this, these are the featured blogs. Am I missing something here? Do I need to dumb down my posts and gush about the precocious exploits of a book character to get the Blogger head people to take notice? It's really baffling to me.

Other things bugging me at the moment:

Ragdoll physics: It's not realistic at all game developers. It takes away from the game and you would think by now that someone at one of the game companies would have noticed that when you fall down, you don't suddenly have your leg flop up near your head. By adding this to the game it also causes problems with the body sliding and continuing to move for far longer then it should. Video game budgets are getting to be comparable to some movies. They do motion capture for everything else, can someone drop some cash and show people fall down like people.

Economic Bailouts: It's dumb, it really is. Where are the good old days when companies that failed and did semi-shifty things that finally caught up with them, just allowed to go out of business. If you are going to fork over 700 billion dollars to companies so that the rules don't have to apply to them and their CEO's get to retire on multi-million dollar golden parachutes, I'd just assume take my $2500 piece and spend it on rent or something fun like that.

Whoever thought it was a good idea to make apartments with white-everything: The carpet always looks dirty. The linoleum in the kitchen and the bathroom always looks dusty. The cabinets and counter tops show stains from things that don't exist. Cut me some slack landlords, throw down some color, we both know I'm not getting my deposit back, least you could do is make it so I don't feel like I need to clean up after I just cleaned up.

Q & A - 9.27.08

Over the last couple days I've asked people who visit my facebook to submit questions that I would do my best to answer for them. In any hope this will spawn more follow up Q & A sessions and who knows, I may help you with your life's mysteries.

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

While this is a not a surprising joke question, one that I appreciate for the Monte Python reference, the easy answer would be "African or European?". However with a little research I have found that while there are over 200 species of swallow, the average speed is has been shown to be around 24 miles per hour.

Which prime, below one-million, can be written as the sum of the most consecutive primes?

I am sadly not an engineer or feel like taking the time to think this out. But according to the Internet there is a computer program-esque way of figuring this out that you probably know and are just testing to see if I can find it, so try Google.

Ha, whats the first mersenne prime over 1mln? I'll split the the GIMPS pot with you ;)

I sadly never heard of mersenne primes before this question and since there is a $100,000 prize for the answer, I think it might be a little over my head.

Ass, legs or boobs?

It actually makes it a tough question when you throw legs into the mix. I'd say I'm a boob guy, but having nice legs is really important as well.

Top or bottom?

Bottom. Nice to have a good confident girl on top than one that lays under you like a dead fish.

What is the answer to life, the universe and everything?

Yet another famous movie/book question, however like in the story, it really depends on the question. Life is full of questions and I doubt there's an answer that applies to all questions. Whether its what you should be doing with your life (whatever makes you happy), to what the name of the random girl is that you wake up next to (chances are its probably Jessica or Jennifer) or even whether Clemson can play well for an entire football game (No), it really depends on the question. Good thing I'm here to give you my two cents whenever you ask.

Now Featuring: CAPTAIN PRETENTIOUS

In our second America's Sweetheart interview I talked to your favorite character and mine, Captain Pretentious. The Captain put in the request last weekend to be the next to be interviewed and who's to say no to him. So last night I asked him a few questions which he answered pretentiously, using his iPhone.

MR: How often do you check the blog?

CP: Twice a day. But its usually boring Tuesday through Sunday.

MR: Do you feel you are portrayed accurately?

CP: No, I'm quite a lovable, non-pretentious chap in reality.

MR: Do I really portray you as non-lovable?

CP: I'm CP! Always late, beat you up, compare iWang sizes, doesn't sound very lovable!

MR: You are also linked to the hot female lead, i think that makes you loveable.

CP: Just because she's got nice cans doesn't make me lovable, just lucky.

MR: haha I'm quoting that word for word.

CP: Her tracts of land are well known throughout these parts my friend.

MR: hahaha

MR: Whats your favorite post?

CP: One of the first few.

MR: Have they been getting worse?

CP: I like the old school ones better.

MR: Whats different about the new ones?

CP: Too much of the same: starting at Jebs and going to Nicks... Though the commentary is always quite good.

MR:Hmm we might have to mix it up.

MR: How many Swedish supermodels work at Sandvik?

CP: Actually, quite a few in Sverige, which is why you should come visit.

MR: Always good for morale to have eye candy at work.

MR: Do you ever wear things that you know you'll be picked on for looking overly pretentious?

CP: I dress for Mike Robertson from time to time, as does the Katie.

MR: Haha, like when?

CP: Usually if it involves pink or a sweater.

MR: What's your favorite and least favorite foods that Katie cooks for you?

CP: Favorite ribs

(Conversation briefly interrupted by Katie typing "Ask him what his screen name stands for, I already know it has something to do with Abercrombie and how when he was a freshman all of his clothes were from there, so we continue.)

CP: Least favorite: She recently learned how to make really good mac & cheese... Previously it was not so good as it is now.

MR: Do you often think to yourself, "I wish I was more like America's Sweetheart"?

CP: No I like getting laid.

MR: Ohhhhhh snap.

CP: Ooooooooo

MR: What are things that you do that bug the crap out of Katie? You can ask her if you want.

CP: I don't do as many chores as I should. She says "Still breathe."

MR: Haha It bugs her that you're still breathing?

CP: She's a smart ass.

MR: Good for her.

MR: Deep down are you really part ginger?

CP: Yes, I'm afflicted with red beard like the other Benjamin brothers.

MR: and stage 4 C.P., I've seen the ginger anger.

CP: And apparently I somehow anger minorities.

MR: Night elf mohawk.

MR: Whats your next ridiculous purchase? You've got the gun and the snow cone machine, what's next?

CP: I'm saving for something right now, so no silly purchases for a while sadly.

MR: OK last question, what is a surprising fact about C.P. that would shock even me?

CP: I've never dated a blond....ever.

MR: Well I think I can make a post out of this, do you have any closing remarks?

CP: Even though I may be CP in the mind of Mike Robertson, I'm just a normal guy who is really good looking and only likes nice things in reality.

MR: hahahahaha perfect.

Cripples Galore

After the planning heavy weekend last weekend, this one was shaping up to be so extremely plan free that even I wondered what would go on. All I knew was that my buddy D.P. would be returning to Clemson with his girlfriend L.C. They had planned to come the weekend before but had to cancel because L.C. was in a nasty car wreck that left her with a broken wrist, foot, and a collarbone that was cracked and then subsequently broke when I'm told she was startled by a spider. But despite all the craziness of that week, she was apparently a "hardcore" trooper and was down for another trip to Clemson with D.P.

I was getting my stuff together around 4:30 Friday when I got a call from the Jebster asking if I could pick up BMS at her work and bring her down to Clemson with me when I came down. I figured her car (a Saturn, we've nicknamed The Clemson Lambo) was in the shop and since it was easily on my way I agreed to go get her. So I kicked my getting ready into high gear and drove on down to her work. I was greeted by a fairly attractive woman who acted like they didn't get many visitors to the company, which I believe makes polymers, and after walking back to check with BMS that I wasn't some psycho that was trying to pick up polymer chicks by throwing out fairly specific names, I was allowed to walk back to her cubicle. When I got there I found her chillin with her foot/ankle all wrapped up.

"You tripped over one of those dogs," I said, causing her coworker to start giggling. She went on to tell me about how, that morning, she had gone to step over the dog gate that keeps their dogs from leaving the bedroom area during the night and had caught her foot on the top of it. This apparently caused her to tumble down a flight of stairs into the wall on the landing between the second and third floors of their condo. This also apparently caused her to let out a scream that was loud enough to wake Jeb from a deep sleep (which is not an easy thing to do, I've kicked him trying to wake him up before with little success). After wrapping her ankle which was apparently pretty swollen she had driven to work with far more difficulty then she was accustomed to and felt it would be a good idea not to have a repeat performance on the drive home.

So I picked her up and we drove to Clemson, stopping first at C.P. and the Katie's place to drop off a birthday present for C.P. that had come in two days after his birthday last week. They were of course even late to meeting me at their own house and C.P. came blazing in with the Jag and almost took my driver's side door off if he hadn't swerved at the last minute. He seemed to really enjoy the Swedish book that I got him (which came with audio CD's to allow even Benjamin's who can't read to get something out of it) and we continued on to the condo to meet Jeb. When we got there BMS wanted crutches before she would go anywhere else and Jeb fished a pair out of the basement for her. After several semi-comical lessons on going up and down stairs with them and the usual warning about making them so that arm pits don't rest on the top of them (which everyone who has ever had crutches is apparently obligated to be told at least five times) we decided to hit up the new Mexican place that had just opened up for dinner.

This Mexican place had opened in the old Explorer's bar, which had claimed to have wings so hot that if you finished six of them you got your picture on the wall. From the outside it looked almost exactly the same as it always had, but inside it was totally different. It gave up the typical Mexican restaurant atmosphere for one that was more along the lines of if you would picture someones basement that they remodeled into a living room with a bar. Complete with bland carpet and wall colors and packed with seemingly half the Greek underclassmen, we should have been tipped off already on what was to come. But we happily waited anyway for a table to open up. When one did we were escorted over to it by a Mexican guy who's English was so bad that he couldn't even take drink orders and was soon replaced by a sorority girl, who I referred to as Pierced Juno. Sporting a chili pepper apron and studs through each of her cheeks, she looked exactly like Ellen Page if Juno had decided to go slightly goth instead of getting knocked up for kicks and giggles. Soon we had our drinks and the usual chips and salsa to munch on while we waited for our food. And wait we did. We arrived at the restaurant around 7:30 and after several confused looks from Pierced Juno later (seemingly saying "Oh are you still here") we received our food around 9. Never in my life had I threatened to leave a restaurant as much as I did with this one. At one point it was all but decided that if Juno showed up again asking if everything was alright without our food we would just leave. Even after we got our food, we contemplated skipping out on the check to teach the retarded staff a lesson, but with BMS's heavy limp, we figured a speedy get away was out of the question. Hell I even thought about breaking things to get someones attention to get our bills. After leaving a sizable zero as my tip, we skedaddled on out of there and back to Jeb's to drop BMS off before heading downtown.

We started at Nick's as usual and put down a couple beers hoping to dull the memory of the horrendous meal we just had. Sundance (who was in town again for the game and tailgating, but without Butch who apparently had to work) met us there and we were called over to TTT's to meet C.P., the Katie, D.P. and L.C. (way too many initials, its starting to get comical) for more drinks. We talked and joked around for a while. C.P. and D.P. compared iPhone features to see which one had the bigger iWang while L.C. talked about hooking me up with her friend, which I encouraged her to do so as often as she liked. For the horrendous accident she had been a part of, L.C. actually didn't look that beat up, but sported a huge slash across her collarbone where they had gone in and bolted her back together with more stitches then I had ever seen in my life. She also had her one hand heavily bandaged up and sported a boot on her one foot that she complained had a thicker sole then her normal shoe which caused her walk to be uneven. I barely drank anything there, hoping to move on to Griffin's and get off the smokey patio of TTT's (which curiously had the Jose Cuervo girls and a girl that was having guys give her spankings for her birthday, which I passed because I figured that ass had been places that I didn't want my hand to be infected by). We headed out and up the street.

Entering Griffin's we found it Meggles-less again (finding out that the goddess had asked for Fridays off to handle the school work). But we started knockin them back and a ton of pictures were taken in just about every combination we could think of. One of the funny things about writing this blog is that all my friends read it and will talk about it regularly while we're out, since us being out is a normal topic for the blog. D.P. was apologizing profusely for being so spazzed out the last time and said that he had been working on it with L.C., which actually showed, because he was back to being the fun D.P. that I remembered. Him and L.C. seem like a very good match as she is crazy enough to appeal to that side of him but at the same time, messes with him enough to keep him from taking things too seriously.

Close to last call we decided to head out back to Jeb's and was almost at my car which he was going to drive when we got a call from our friend Shewhocantbenamedbutnomatterwhatiwouldcallhereveryoneknowswhosheis (or SWCBNMWIWCHEKWSI for short). Apparently her boyfriend had been an uber douche like usual and had actually left her in Anderson, which is 15 minutes away from Clemson. So without thinking about it, we told her to stay put and we would come to pick her up. We hopped in the car and drove on down to Anderson. Just as we were driving across the bridge to get her, we get a call saying that the uber douche had come back to take her home and we were no longer needed. A little disappointed in our friend, we turned around and headed back to the condo. Everyone had made it back in one piece and were gathered in the kitchen waiting for us. After a little bit I was tired and headed back to the couch where I passed out on the couch for the night, apparently missing a pizza delivery.

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The next morning I awoke early. In my head I was really seriously thinking about skipping tailgating and football festivities to crash on the couch but didn't really voice my idea to anyone and soon got over it and got ready to go to the tailgate. We were supposed to get there by 8:30 and Sundance was up and raring to go. Unfortunately everyone else in the house was moving at a snail's pace to get ready so he left. By 10:30 we were all ready to go. BMS had originally said she was going to pass on the festivities because of the bum ankle but had apparently changed her mind and while we were waiting for D.P. and L.C. to get ready she had started crutching down the street. Despite leaving fifteen minutes later, we caught up with her a block and a half later and joined in the slowest fifteen minute walk ever. Anyone that knows me, knows that I usually walk at a fairly casual Southern pace, and even at this pace I found myself waiting for my friends to catch up. Jeb was just getting over a sinus infection and was speaking like the Godfather the whole weekend and was hacking up a lung while he walked. Together the three of us must have been a sad sight making our way to the tailgate.

We finally made it and were greeted with some of the best tailgate breakfast food ever. There were little muffins in the shape of tiger paws, and egg sandwiches with bacon. Apparently Louis's wife is quite the cook. Soon D.P. and L.C. showed up and joined us along with Steve and Christine, who had driven down from a trip to Jersey to be there. C.P. and the Katie showed up right as we had packed up and started walking toward the game, which I had graciously been given a ticket to. Tim was forced to stow a six pack of beer in a bush for safe keeping as we all walked to the game. The seats were upper deck but were awesome as we could easily see the whole field. Clemson decimated South Carolina Community College but we stayed til the end. I had been getting several text messages during the game telling me that most of the group had headed out early and were sitting downtown. So after walking back to the tailgate for a little I decided to go down there and join them. The whole group of C.P., the Katie, D.P., L.C., and the Harclerodes were heavily invested in many pitchers of Long Island Ice Tea and were fairly intoxicated. The Katie tried to say that, despite having six cups of tea, was not drunk at all, but mumbled part of it, causing me to joke around and make fun of her a little. Out of the blue, she tries to knock my hat off my head and instead backhands me in the face. The blow is so surprising that I'm dazed for a couple seconds as she starts apologizing and everyone else at the table is shocked that the Katie just punched me in the face. I laugh it off and after finishing up their drinks, we headed back to the tailgate which was still going strong.

We lounged around, blocking off the fairly busy sidewalk. D.P. and BMS got into a quantum physics discussion while everyone else poked fun in Mystery Science Theater fashion of goofy comments to what was being said. With a strong 90's soundtrack pumping in the background we chilled there the rest of the day. People were even sent to resupply the tailgate with food and booze and we soon found ourselves as the only tailgate left in the whole parking lot. People would walk by or through the tailgate, sort of shocked that people were still there. Finally people started to leave and it was soon down to a dedicated half dozen who ate a fourth meal of the day at the tailgate and packed up to head home. It was a near perfect Saturday and we passed on downtown in favor of crashing out after what ended up being a very long day.

Crackmosa's and Dehydration continued...

So I was awakened Saturday morning really really early. Early enough that people should have been killed, but I let it slide this time. Apparently Butch, Sundance and Jeb were putting a tailgate together and had to be out there ungodly early. I had hoped to sleep until at least noon and then stroll on over to C.P.'s tailgate for a little fun, but now I was up and figured I should probably go there when they said to be there instead. In their attempt to be extremely organized (I think this is Christine's doing) they had assigned each person into a team earlier in the week, which told you what to bring. I was placed in classy team R, which meant that I had to bring cheap wine, chips or dip. I decided on the delectable Cold Duck, an alcoholic beverage so treacherous and at the same time delicious that they named it after a woodland creature. We had a history with the Cold Duck (which involved purple vomit on the Holtzendorf building) and due to its cheaper then cheap price tag I figured it would make a good addition to the tailgate.

So I headed over, strolling across campus with the bottle of Duck in one hand and my wallet and cell phone in the other since the damn basketball shorts I was wearing somehow didn't have pockets. Clemson on game days is pretty much a free-for-all as far as laws go, as the cops are more likely to stop you for not understanding their convoluted traffic flows they have set up then for openly drinking in the streets. I traipsed past plenty a cop with my prized bottle clutched in my hand. Its not exactly the manliest thing to be walking down the street with to a tailgate but I managed (and was only stopped by one crackhead scalping tickets to be asked what I had).
The tailgate proved to be a lot farther then I thought, probably close to two miles away. Combined with the early morning Carolina heat I was dying by the time I made it there. I was greeted with a Mimosa and a sausage wrapped in a pancake (wrapped in bacon, wrapped in a pizza, in a commemorative bag full of vegetarian chili). C.P. and the Katie were of course really late so we just hung out and baked in the sun until they arrived with the tent. From then on, since only two of us had tickets to the game, we boozed it up and played some games of cornhole and the ill fated tackle football version of 500, where C.P. spent most of the time just brutalizing me to the point where I didn't catch a ball the whole time. After that we were sitting around and Kristin decided that she wanted more Mimosa but we had polished off the champagne hours ago, so I had the idea to make it with Cold Duck instead. It was surprisingly a big hit and was deemed the Crackmosa.

I was sorta tired by this point of sitting out and sweating in the heat and after a "hold on one minute and we'll give you a ride" turned into a "yeah I don't see that happening" I decided to walk back to Jeb's and catch the rest of the game. Unfortunately it was still several miles away and now just around midday, so it was hotter then liquid hot magma walking back to the house. By the time I got there I felt like I was on the verge of death in which only a cold shower and a drink could save me. Eventually Butch and Sundance came back over with Louis and his wife/girlfriend who I have no idea what her name was. We decided to hit up some always delicious Mexican food where I learned that Jeb apparently speaks fluent Spanish. He and our server sounded like the best of friends which surprisingly didn't warrant us getting refills on chips and salsa. It was still good and short of the rest of the weekend packed with Bourne Identity, that was the weekend.

Crackmosa's and Dehydration

I find it hilarious that if I make it to Tuesday without writing I get angry text messages and calls wondering if I'm still alive and why my lazy ass hasn't gotten to updating. Truth is my hectic 50 hour week at work last week transitioned seamlessly into another two long days, with the possibility of another three being highly likely. While its nice to be busy, I feel less then energized when I get home, so sorry for the delay and here we go....

I rarely plan going into a weekend. I find that its much less stressful and often times it doesn't really matter what I do as long as I'm chillin with my friends. But this weekend there were a definite two main plans. However my plans still involved getting out of work (late) and taking a nap all afternoon.

This is where the plans were different then usual. We had a surprise birthday party planned for Captain Pretentious at the Harclerodes' house in Greenville. It was originally planned as a Swedish themed wine and cheese party, perfectly pretentious for the Captain who is leaving for Sweden at the beginning of next year. At the last minute however, The Katie decided we would switch it up a little. Instead of a Swedish party, we would break out the pink streamers and have a Sweet Sixteen party. The Katie and the Harclerodes spent Thursday night transforming their entrance hallway into a wonderland of pink and glittering sixteens. We were told to arrive by 7 and the Katie would do her best to get C.P. there by 7:15 under the false pretense that they would be having a nice dinner out with the Harclerodes after stopping for a birthday shot. Unfortunately C.P. was in hurry as always and the growing number of guests waited around until nearly 8pm. Everyone had parked well up the street so he pulled into the driveway with no idea of what awaited him inside. Everyone bustled around the door, half rehearsing what was about to happen. As the door came open, the lights came on and everyone yelled "Happy Sweet Sixteen!!!!" A fuzzy tiara was placed on his head and a blinking 16 and a sash proclaiming "Happy Birthday Princess" was placed around his neck. He was ushered into the dining room with the pink frosted cupcakes and twelve different kinds of cheese. Still in shock, he was given a key and told to go look in the garage, just like on the silly MTV reality show. Parked right in the middle of the spot was......a matchbox Porshe. The Sweet Sixteen party was a huge success and everyone had a great time, but I had places to go and people to see.

I knew that it would be much easier to get to Clemson the night before then trying to fight my way down there with the game traffic in the morning. Also Jeb and BMS couldn't make it up to the party and I figured why not make it an even better evening and get to hang out down there with them also. I had drank next to nothing at the party despite the abundance of wine that had showed up with everyone. I made it down to Clemson in seemingly record speed and met Jeb downtown. BMS had already gone to bed but I was introduced to his two ex-roommates Butch and Sundance (I think I remember their names but I like those nicknames better). Butch and Sundance had apparently not been in Clemson in a while, so when I showed up they had just finished up eating and we headed up to Griffin's. Sadly we apparently hit it on an off night because it was half empty and mostly filled with guys which was disappointing. Even Meggles was MIA again. To top it off, 2o minutes after we walked in, the grand douchebag that slept with Jeb's ex walked in. Since he was one of the group of friends, Butch and Sundance went to talk to him which I could tell somewhat bothered Jeb. I played defense while, keeping an increasingly intoxicated Jeb from pounding him and getting us all kicked out. After a while we made it out without bloodshed and hit up Nick's which was fairly full of cute indie chicks. We had a pretty good time, even though Nick's still doesn't seem to have any AC. We had planned to play some poker when we got home, which turned into everyone passing out, and after playing some demos on the PS3 , I passed out as well.

So Anyways....

I think I'm good with the weekend before last catch up. There was a pool party the next day before we watched our beloved Tigers get the ever loving tar kicked out of them by Alabama. The notable quote of the day was "Dude chill out, the game doesn't start until 8" when D.P. was about to have an aneurysm because we weren't leaving to go to the party at 11am. It was apparently funny at the time.

So Anyways last weekend started with me dropping my computer off at Best Buy to have the Geek Squad either fix it, or what I like to call "Asking them how much money they want me to burn in front of them". The magic number turned out to be $130, although they really really wanted to do a fun little $80 diagnostic on my three year old computer which I sadly declined. Afterwards I stopped at Barnes and Nobel, because I am terrible with time estimation and while it took a little time for me to tell the Best Buy guy my contact information four times, it didn't take the amount of time to make it logical to head to Clemson already.

Barnes and Nobel sorta sucks. Things are not laid out in a logical way (I had several, oh wow I found this section moments) and the books cost at least 15 to 25% more than they should. However this can be ratified by purchasing their book club card for twenty five frickin dollars a year. I decided to indulge the check out woman and listen to her whole spiel about the program but found myself by the end wondering why I was even buying the Quantum of Solace James Bond book in the first place.

Sadly I still didn't burn enough time but drove to Clemson anyway. Jeb has no problem with me chillin at his place, even though I still feel sorta weird about the idea of chillin there while he isnt there. I let the dogs out, who are all over me the whole time, losing their minds (or whatever is between their ears) and thinking that hanging out with me is the best thing since probably a dog bark they heard through the wall four hours before. I try to read my new book which I find out is not so much the story line of the new movie coming out as it is a collection of short stories, I also find that its impossible to read it with two dogs doing their ever-loving best to be ever-loved. Jeb comes home and we set to work setting up his new baby. Something I forgot to mention about the weekend before.

Jeb got a really frickin big TV.

It got delivered Friday and if it weren't an absolutely beautiful piece of electronics, it would be big enough to make a fairly comfortable twin sized bed. It made my new TV seem like the screen of a portable DVD player. By the time we plug in all the surround sound speakers and video game equipment, the set up is giving off enough heat to cook pizzas on his mantle. The TV is so amazing that there really aren't words for it. It even makes a little sound when turning on that sounds like you are summoning it down from the heavens. We instantly do what any group of guys would do with a new giant Hi-Def TV: we put in Bio Shock to see a life size zombie get shot with a shotgun (what did you think I was going to say?).

The night turned from movie watching and pizza to more downtown madness. We ran into the douchebag that slept with Jeb's ex wife and somehow kept the peace. And after getting far too drunk, we stumbled home. I also remember it being very very hot inside Nick's, I swear that I'm sick or something, no one should sweat that much.

The next day we were supposed to go to C.P.'s tailgate before the Clemson game and ended up so late that I actually got phone calls from the always late C.P., asking where I was. For the majority of the time I was just nursing a hangover and sitting there while the couples made out and talked about where they got their Tupperware. By game time we decided to not search for tickets but just go home instead. Sadly the game was not on TV so I played Mercenaries 2 for a couple hours. I love that game, nothing is really less satisfying then killing off an entire faction base by myself, and then calling in an air strike on their buildings to rub it in.

We ended up going out again because The Katie was super psyched to hit downtown and told us so all day long, over and over and over again. I can't really remember many crazy antics, although apparently Guinness now comes saturated with Nitrogen and is placed on a little launch pad that causes it to get head.

Oh the dreams of a button that causes you to get head. Hell with the Easy button, that's what I want. Although a button that makes women easy...............

Hello Again

As many of my readers know, my computer was on the fritz for a little over a week after I restarted it and it decided it would just not start up again. But happily (or at least fairly happily after the financial thrashing the Geek Squad gave me) I am pretty much up and running again. Which leaves me with a huge void in the coverage of the last two weekends' schenanigans.

So two weeks ago (this maybe a little rough because my memory is horrible sometimes) I was very excited going into the weekend. Of course there was the usual reasons such as the amazing group of people that allow me to call them my friends and the unquestionable good time we would have, but there was also another reason. D.P. was coming to town. Sadly I hadn't been to Cola to visit him in quite some time, so the news that he was coming to town to show his girlfriend what a college town can be was exciting. Now if Jeb and I have the same sense of humor, D.P. would be our triplet, so I expected nothing less of a good time in which I at some point shoot beer out my nose in a fit of laughter. So I arrived in Clemson around the normal time and Jeb, BMS and I had dinner and headed downtown early. I knew that D.P. and L.C. would be in town around 9, but we figured we would get started with the festivities. A couple beers later its finally 9 and they tell us to meet them at Peppino's where they are eating a pizza that can only be described as the last meal to anyone that attempts it. After a little chit chat and not very much progress on the deadly Italian creation, we decide to head out, but first D.P. wants to move his car. So I go along with them to show them where to park. Upon getting into his car I accidentally tap the door into the truck next to his and he flips out, which I sort of expected, but in an overly mean way that I don't remember my old friend ever doing to anyone. I shrug it off and we go off to park and go to Nick's. It's about half full, but is a fairly good crowd for Nick's which is usually not too crowded (remember Mike bar gripe #1, crowded bars). We hang around for a little and enjoy ourselves. BMS heads home, it being far past her bed time already, and we hit TTT's. I have a feeling that D.P. was talking it up beforehand to L.C., which was a shame because it was vacant. The usual Clemson hot spot was a ghost town. I hit the bathroom before leaving Nick's and told the group I would meet up with them at TTT's. The Katie and C.P. called to inform us that they had a table outside and we were to come join them. But as I was walking up to the bouncer at the door I suddenly get pelted in the nuts with a lime, hurled by C.P. through the gate. I crumple over a little bit and the bouncer is asking me if I want him to go in there and kick some ass. Unfortunately despite my confirmation that he should pummel C.P. into a pulp, he doesn't do anything and I go in and join the group and we continue to have a good time. D.P. continued to have a surprisingly short temper which was usually held in check by one of the people at the table messing with him over it. We bounce over to Griffin's after TTT's and lounge around for a little while. The Katie has taken to sitting on my lap when she gets intoxicated and kept telling me how great I was and how I should definitely hit on the Goddess Megan who was sitting beside me. I help her with the bar game shes playing but don't get the guts to say anything of real "Wow, do me now" impressive value. But by the time we leave there I am very intoxicated. The group wants to go to 356, which in my opinion is a shitty bar normally, but on top of my usual disdain for it was a candy covered shell of general nausea. So they go in and I go around the corner back to Nick's to hopefully sober up a little bit more before meeting them for the walk back. A couple glasses of water later and I my condition wasn't any better, so I decided I would start walking and they would catch up because I would be stumbly on top of my usual casual canter. I get half way up the dark road when I see a sports car fly by me going at least twice the speed that it should be on the frat apartment lined street and knew that D.P. had just blown by me. I finally stumble in the door, feeling like a box of shit, when I'm greeted by L.C. who runs up and yells,

"WE'RE GOING SKINNY DIPPING IN THE HOT TUB!!!!"

Jeb's hot tub hasn't been functional since I met him and he and D.P. are actively trying to figure out how to get it to work while filling it up with a garden hose. I walk right past everyone and collapse onto the couch. Only to later be woken up by D.P. who was complaining about me snoring. Unfortunately this woke me up to be kept awake by his snoring. The Snoring Vicious Circle.