Contingency Plan

Apparently there is a drought of men in Australia. There's so many knock off British women there that they don't have enough guys to meet the demand. I swear, if I don't find a wife by the time I hit 30 I'm going to head down there and beat the hot accented chicks off with a stick. This blows my mind. Like this Today article is saying "Come to Australia, we have tons of desperate women." I mean is my degree good down there? I'm sure that I can throw the words "Shrimp on the Barbie" onto my sign designs if they wanted. I'll definitely have to look into this, especially if the socialists beat the war-mongers this election.

Weekend Warrior

When I leave my house on a Friday afternoon for a great weekend in Clemson, I think I look good (or at least as good as I get). I'm showered, wearing a clean button down shirt, my hair is civilized, I'm clean shaven (or close to it) and i have a spritz of cologne.

But two days later on Sunday this is not the case.

I got home today and was alarmed at what I saw in the mirror. It was 6pm and I hadn't showered all day. I had an alarmingly dense growth of facial hair. My skin was broken out. My eyes were red. My tshirt (which I had worn the night before) had four different stains of different colors, several of which I don't know what they could be from. I even had the names of three music groups scribbled on my wrist, which I'm amazed I wrote clearly enough to be able to read them while out drinking on Friday. However I can't remember what the songs were that caused me to want to write their name on my arm. I can only imagine what my breathe smells like. My hair was so askew that it actually went past looking bad and began looking good again. My stomach feels like I've been eating nothing but rat poison for the last week. I basically look like I've been thrown in a Vietnamese prison camp and somehow was able to drive home today.

But it was a great weekend. Always is a fun time with friends like mine. And there was laser tag and steak, so it was even better then usual. But damn, I felt so grimy today driving home that I didn't want to stop at Walmart because I thought I would get stared at.

I should probably tone it down a little.

Character Interviews: The Katie

I had this idea to add a feature where I interview one of the recurring characters from my blog. While not always in the forefront in the weekend action, The Katie is often ends up being the voice of reason to our weekend shenanigans and was my first choice for the first interview and obliged me with an impromptu interview


M.R.: So Katie, how often do you check the blog?
The Katie: Probably twice a week, because I know you blog after the weekends. Your "epic" weekends.

M.R.: Do you think you are portrayed accurately?
The Katie: Well its hard to say since "The Katie" hasn't had too many appearances, but I'd say yes.

M.R.: Are you disappointed if you don't make a big appearance in the weekend story for the week?
The Katie: I'd say the fault would be mine own if i don't. But no. I think your blogs are fantastically entertaining and one would be so fortunate to be a part of your epic-ness

M.R.: When hanging out with us, do you think sometimes "man this will end up in the blog"?
The Katie: I don't think I've ever really thought about it like that. Between good times and giggles downtown it's just all fun. And really, it's not even so much what happens that's funny, it's the way in which you present it that makes it so entertaining. (she goes on to compliment my looks, fashion sense and my second grade English scores, but I don't want to bore you with the details)

M.R.: What's your favorite post?
The Katie: Okay, totally taking the wussy answer here and going for the, "I really don't have a favorite." I think for the most part I've laughed aloud at all of them at some point in the blog.

M.R.: Were there any that you disliked?
The Katie: The only one was maybe "Eh..." like it was good, but there were definite better ones.

M.R.: Do you ever refer to Tim as Captain Pretentious when the two of you are hanging out?
The Katie: Only in jest. but when we were in NY a few weeks ago, his dad was getting ready to take our picture and he said "Smile Captain Pretentious"

M.R.: How many times a day do you think to yourself "damn i wish i was hanging out with America's Sweetheart"?
The Katie: Hahaha at least twice, i mean, at least.

M.R.: Could you do something off the wall crazy this weekend? I think the "The Katie" fans would like to read more of your antics?
The Katie: How would you define "off the wall crazy"? lol
M.R.: I don't know but I'm sure stage 4 would be involved
The Katie: Lol probably. I'm not an off the wall kinda crazy gal, but who knows. When the night is young and stage four is the aim, anything is possible =)
M.R.: Better yet can you do your best to help us get C.P. to stage 4?
The Katie: Everyone has a different stage 4. I giggle, C.P. almost gets beat up by a group of Indians, i mean, it's all relative.

M.R.: OK last question, how honored are you that you were the first "character" interviewed? What will you do to celebrate?
The Katie: It's quite the honor and a thrill... almost like walking the dog ;)

The Joys of Underplanning

So the only thing I had planned was that it would be mine. I had scouted out the lovely 42" plasma flat screen for months. Finally I had enough money to take her home and went to Walmart and went straight to the electronics section, scoped out the TVs one more time and informed the semi-stoned Walmart employee that I wanted the TV. Nothing would be stopping me this time. I had no doubts in my head until he brought out the box. Now I drive a Hyundai Elantra with a fairly large amount of room in the back seat, so I figured that a 42" TV would easily fit in there and at the most fit in the gap between the front seat and the back seat.

But the box was gigantic.

It was at least a foot larger then the TV and was at least a foot and a half wide. As he was ringing it up, I was questioning out loud to myself whether it would slide into the back seat like I planned. Semi-stoned Walmart employee voiced his doubts, but as always I was still optimistic. Beaming I wheeled my brand new TV through the store, catching the admiration of every guy I passed. I even ran into my friend Nathan "Buddy" Davenport who informed me that I could drop his TV off later and I would be able to watch it whenever I wanted. I wheeled it out the door and did my best to make it across the parking lot to make sure that a car wouldn't turn my precious into a bad youtube video.

I made it to my car safely and opened up the back door. I picked up the box, which was about twice as heavy as I thought it would be and started pushing it into the back seat. The 60 inch box went in a foot and stopped. I tried moving the front seats up as far as they could go and went back to pushing on the box. It went in another six inches and stopped. Great. I thought about So I did the only thing I could do, I tugged it out of the car and took it out of the box. Being as careful as I could I easily placed it in my back seat, it fitting perfectly. After that I looked at the box. I couldn't just leave it in the parking lot. They probably don't sell that many big screens at Walmart in a day so when some poor sap would have to pick it up (which would be hilarious if it was the semi-stoned electronics guy but still sorta mean). Also I figured I could use the box as a protective buffer for the plastic wrapped TV. So I commenced with tearing the box apart to fit it into my car. In the 90 degree heat it was like a war ripping the heavy duty staples out of the sides. Finally fifteen minutes later I had everything stuffed inside.

I slowly drove home, picturing the ironic situation in my head where I somehow get in an accident which wrecks my new toy. I pull up to my place and the only spot left is right next to the tree. But seeing how I didn't really want to lug the TV down the road I figured that spot would be good enough. Now planning it out I go up to my apartment and prop the door open so I wouldn't have to worry about working the door with my hands full. I went back down and pulled the TV out gently and my first couple steps were in the pine straw that southern landscapers seem to like so much. Even watching my step, I almost lost it on the first step with my baby in my arms. I lugged it up three stories and happily made it safely inside. But that was definitely a much more difficult endeavor then I ever imagined.

"You Actually Look Good Today"

I didn't think I would be in Clemson this weekend. I had planned weeks in advance to head to Columbia this weekend since I haven't seen D.P. and the hot (unavailable) ladies in a good two months and D.P. was planning to take a break from his state hopping to be in Columbia for a weekend. However as the hellish week rolled on, working through the hospital full of signs, the two hour drive to Columbia looked less and less appealing. There seemed to be lots of enthusiasm for me to head to Clemson to hang out with Jebster, BMS, C.P. and The Katie. Also in talking to Jeb on Thursday he hinted of a big possibility for an epic weekend. Since usually I'm the optimistic one for weekend epic-ness, I figured the epic-ness would be at an all time high (and i should probably write a last-will and testament or something before heading there).

So Friday afternoon, after a little nap, I headed to Clemson. When I got there I was starving and did my best to get things rolling on the plan to remedy this problem. We pretty much sat around and played video games and asked each other "Well where do you want to go?" for about an hour before deciding to hit up TD's for better then average bar food and cheap liquor drinks. Three vodka crans and a buffalo chicken sandwich later they decided to stop waiting on tables. So we decided to go elsewhere and begin the more food-free part of the evening. Being after 8, BMS bid Jeb and I adieu to call it a night.

We started the usual bar crawl at Nick's, drinkin' some good beers waiting for C.P. and The Katie to show up. They soon joined us with Keihner, Katie looking very nice in a red dress that made just about everyone in the bar take notice (go go team Benj). We hung around for a little while, still couldn't remember where I knew the bartender from, but he knew Tim, so I guess that's where I know him from. But after coming up with a hand signal for "Katie G Stage 4", the funniest of the stages of Katie G drunkenness. We decide to head to TTT's to see if we could see the giggly stage 4 by the end of the night. Standing outside at the new Red Bull tables that they positioned out there we had a couple pitchers and joked around. As usual the topic drifted to them wanting me to chat up a girl. I pretty much laugh it off and we keep chillin until it gets to around midnight. I want to get to Griffin's before it closes at 2 so I suggest we head over there. C.P. comes up with a plan before we do though, that all the other guys will pick a girl and one after another tell her "It's not too late to sleep with Mike Robertson" and then I would have to introduce myself. It doesn't bother me to get a little embarrassed, so I agree to this plan. Surprisingly though, two of the guys decide to back out on the chance to inflict some embarrassment on me and we start walking out anyway. Before we leave C.P. sees a pretty blond he knows and goes over to say hi before we head out. I wait around for him because I don't want to leave him behind, when he and the girl start looking over at me as they're talking. Out of nowhere she walks over unbuttons my one of the buttons on my shirt and says something like "definitely not too late". I get a big smile on my face and we head to Griffin's (figuring C.P. put her up to it).

Arriving at Griffin's we're greeted like regulars (probably should cut down on the drinking) and we head to the back of the bar which is surprisingly full. I head over to the bar to get a drink and out of nowhere this sexy brunette starts talking me up. We chat for a while, I'm expecting her to ask for a drink and then split with her friends. But she never does and we chat for a good long while. I finally buy her a drink and for some reason decide to go back to hanging out with my friends, without getting her number or anything. I'm my own worst enemy. I head over and kinda shrug when they ask whats going on. I tell them about it and my amazement that I didn't have to even try, to which C.P. replies "You actually look good today, not as much of a bum."

Thanks C.P., Thanks a ton.

Around the Horn Reviews

Not I'm not reviewing that awful show on ESPN. But I thought maybe I would tell you all my thoughts on a couple things so that you could be well informed.

INTERRUPTION: THEY JUST HAD A TIE ON JEOPARDY!! A FRICKIN TIE......

OK back to the reviews

Movies:

Deathproof: I'd seen Deathproof before when it was teamed with the laughably bad zombie movie in the Grindhouse duel movie. However Tarentino thought he would get rid of a little bit of the mind fucking that the theater version of Deathproof had, with an added lap dance scene, which if you saw Deathproof in the first place is more then enough reason to watch it again. Other then that its pretty much the same fairly unimpressive, hot chick filled, overly gory at parts, but moderately entertaining flick that it was. All of the girls (except for the one stunt driver black chick that tries to act like a female version of Samuel L. Jackson) were very appealing but really didn't make me care about them enough to feel bad about anything that happened to them. But its one those movies that I'll probably watch several times in the future, so I would recommend stealing it, black-bearding it, renting it, or buying it from a bargain bin.

National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets: Another movie I saw in the theater but just saw it again on DVD last week. If you saw the first of the National Treasure movies, you will have a fairly good time with the second one. That should be the catch phrase for ads. I like it because there's lots of nice history trivia and several Indiana Jones/James Bond moments to link those little bits of informative gold together. While the second one basically does the same thing as the first movie, only slightly less creatively, but still no less entertaining. The only thing that really bothers me is the same thing that bothered me with Die Hard 4, the annoying sidekick who bitches the whole time and gets more credit then he deserves at the end. While hoping that he would somehow catch a bullet or large stone thing in his head (an empty hope in a Disney Movie) I liked the movie a lot, even if it wasn't as polished as the first.

Video Games:

Tomb Raider Legend: I got a little bored last weekend and picked up this game for less than 20 bucks. While it is fairly entertaining and occupied me for several hours on Saturday, there was a good deal of it that left me in a combination of swearing loudly and almost pissing my pants. While Lara has moved up from just running around with two pistols and has a few more toys that allow me to throw a bat-cable and hook shiny metal things and either pull them or swing over spiky pits with them, and USE BINOCULARS and A FLASHLIGHT. OK its not the most deep additions ever but the game itself is batshit crazy. It's like making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the stipulation that you cant touch your kitchen floor and have to open the fridge with a rope that activates a cut scene. Lara has all sorts of crazy acrobatic mountain climbing techniques where you flip leap off of ledges into a parallel bar routine and then somehow catch a swinging rope to get to the giant stone button. Sounds great doesn't it. Hot girl character, in various skimpy wardrobe choices, doing crazy acrobats with gunfights thrown in around the puzzles. Sadly it should be, but is glitchy as all hell. Lara's stunts often go awry time after time when your angle is slightly off or the ledge you're supposed to grab next is placed out of the explorable camera view while blending into the background. The gunfights are laughably easy, even though you can't aim for shit, even with auto aim, and the bad guys take a good thirty shots to go down. The puzzles are often VERY difficult to figure out without help, heck not getting turned around even with textbook linear game play is overly difficult. The motorcycle riding levels are a cool (also sometime frustrating) change to the game play although going off ramps does little other than to get the guy on your radio to flip his shit. Its a nice view of what could be to come in the franchise, but this flawed game is one to borrow from the fan boy friend who picked it up and probably finished it already.

Toothpaste:

Colgate Max Fresh: awful, really really awful. Tastes horrible, gives a bad aftertaste, even worse in the morning, and makes a hellish mess all over itself and anything in a five foot area. Sad thing is I bought it in a three pack, which I will be throwing away as soon as I possibly can.

Thats all for now.

When Facebook Buddy List Gets a Good Cleaning

Before we get started of my gleeful thinning of the herd, yes I did find the convenient "Try new Facebook" bar at the top of the screen approximately sixteen seconds after writing about not being swift enough to find it. While I can see how its new, I don't find the changes very innovative or helpful and caused me to have a miniature panic attack before finding the "Return to Normal" button conveniently in the same place as the "Try new Facebook" button. The new Facebook just appears that someone at facebook said "4 out of 5 people agree that people like drop down menus, and adding slightly more customization options for my profile then I ever care to use. Personally I think it looks lazy and basically like the perfectly functional current Facebook with a healthy helping more useless crap then is already shoveled on there.

SO back to the list of Facebook "friends". Like the satisfying pleasure of getting a new cell phone and being able to "forget" to put people back in your contacts list, going through your friends list is a satisfying experience. There were people that I couldn't remember who they were or why I friended them in the first place. Others were friends of friends or friends of ex's that I really didn't like having to hang out with them before let alone seeing several photo albums of them looking drunk and hanging all over guys that look like they have the combined IQ of a bag of trail mix with little bits of rotten trout included. Then there was the deletion of people in my major that I added just because they were in my major but really could be considered less than an acquaintance. Throw in a helping of removing several women who use every chance they can get (including the birth of family member's kids) to take an album's worth of pictures of themselves from different angles. When all was said and done I dropped my friends list from over 200 people to about 140, with people left between my good friends and people I left because I get a kick out of looking at their constant flow of vacation pictures from their parents allowing them to piss money away without much of any consequence such as getting a job. So if you get a moment that you're bored and wish you could see less pictures of that girl from your math class's cats, I highly recommend it. Just don't delete mine because its much easier to click on the link in there then to type in the epically long web address to get to this blog that you are obviously a fan of if you took the time to read this post.

Science Experiment I have in my Head

Do you ever come across someone and think to yourself, I wonder what they're like in bed? Sure we've all done it at some point thinking of that sexy chick at the end of the bar who moves her hips to the music in such a hypnotising manner that if she walked up to you and ask you to stab your friend, you would seriously consider it. But what I'm talking about is other people.

Lately I've been wondering more and more about women I come across that I'm really not attracted to the person but I have a burning desire to know if their personality quirks carry over to the bedroom. Do they talk constantly about mundane topics while getting railed? Or do they shut up and become a serene shell of their former self. Does their absolute laziness cause them to lay there like a corpse or are they so low key because they blew it all on wild hip bustin' sex? It's thoughts like this that make me sit back and go, damn if all of a sudden this person would ask for some lovin', I know its a horrible idea but damn this could be entertaining as all hell. Is the cock-blocker friend just looking for her time to shine? Is the quiet girl in the corner scream like a banshee when you hit that right spot? These are the type of things you have to think about. I mean sure, that irritating chick that just spent the last half hour telling you about how magical the Bolivian people are might turn out to be as mind numbing in the sack, but she could also be a dynamo in the rough.