Women Baffle Me

Don't get me wrong, I love women. Absolutely beautiful and amazing. But that doesn't explain one common trait that I have found.

For some reason they really aren't logical sometimes.

This goes from little things like believing that there are such a thing as makeup with color changing micro beads that magically change to the ideal color to accentuate your skin. They throw away relationships with nice guys that possess all the traits that they say they are looking for and stick with guys that say and do things that I wouldn't say or do to my worst enemy. Its the strangest delusional mindset that defies all logic. The funny thing is they think that guys are an absolute mystery. Any guy that opens a women's magazine can tell you that these authors have absolutely no idea what guys are thinking. Its like explaining common phenomenon in totally ridiculous ways. They stick with douchebags because they have been brainwashed into thinking that they actually have something to do with why they are being treated like crap, when the only thing they did was stick around and put up with it. You sticking round is not going to cause them to change. Thinking with a logical mind, if the douchebag is able to continue using you without repercussion, what reason could he possibly have for changing. I know as well as anyone how terrible it can be to be alone, but a miserable relationship is no trade off. I'm no expert in any sense of the word but I'm also not an idiot. If someone can explain to me the totally illogical way that women think I would be very grateful.

Note to readers: I am not speaking of anyone in particular, its a general post on the illogical nature of women. So no angry messages.

Monday Monday

Damn it I just got jealous of a commercial. I am terrible with having advertisements influence me into buying things. This one is for Gillette's new body wash. I wasn't jealous however that the guy had hydrated skin, on the contrary, he walked out of getting hydrated into an office meeting which was filled with super hot women. Where are the board meetings of hot women at my work?

I was making lunch for tomorrow and I have these little applesauce things like the ones that your mom would put in your lunch as a kid. I figure I need to get fruits and vegetables into my diet and I like apple sauce. I pick up the package and try to fish one out. Ooops, SPLAT! My clumsiness drops it out of the pack and it smacks against the fridge and then the floor spilling applesauce everywhere. I throw it away and reach for the other one. Ooops, SPLAT! It bounces off the bottom shelf of the fridge shooting apple sauce everywhere. Holding the empty package in my hand I curse at my sudden lack of fruit. I almost give up on having a healthy lunch when I find the last apple sauce hiding in my fridge. At least its not a total loss.

I saw this series of called Lovebites on Youtube today. It's absolutely hilarious. Especially the shower episode. Check it out, there's like 78 episodes, definitely worth checking out.

Damn there's another commercial I'm jealous of, an office with a hot chick that sucks face with me just to get my gum. A guy can dream.

Profound Thoughts from a Baseball Fan

This weekend I did a lot of thinking. Apparently when I think I make a face that looks somewhere between pain and depression that I don't realize I'm making, but that's another story. This weekend I was reading a lot of this baseball book that I brought along and also doing my darndest to make Tracey smile and feel good, when I came upon a revelation.

Dating is exactly like managing a Major League Baseball minor league farm system. There's always a lot of prospects but very few will ever turn out to be worth anything. And even some of the ones you give a shot in the major's will never work out the way you wanted them to.

But it was another great weekend. However most of what I would want to talk about I probably shouldn't. So I'm gonna leave it at that. Lots of fun out on the town, love my new seersucker pants, a relaxing Saturday at the pool, and Sunday at the zoo.

"Hell I don't know what's going on, but my life definitely does not suck"

At least for now.

Lesson of the Day: If it sounds too good to be true it probably is

I was bored tonight. A dangerous thing for me to be sitting in front of a computer. When I saw this link on the side of facebook for getting a free plasma, PS3 and gta4. Now I figure nothing is free but heck most of their little offers that I'd have to complete would be 5 bucks for the trial of some product that i could cancel as soon as I ordered it. So I get through two rounds of offers, I get 6 DVDs for $16 bucks, I get some posters for practically nothing, and some products that I plan to return when I get them. No big deal, probably blew like 20-30 bucks, if it gets me a TV I'm good with that. Then I get to page three where it says I have to complete two more deals and I'm done.

Good fucking Lord.

To complete 2 deals on this page I would have to have like 2 grand of disposable money. One of the deals is a loan for a car, one is vacation plans, one is a $1800 bean bag. I instantly close the site and start canceling my other deals. Good Game Ripoff Site, Good Game. An interesting experiment where I get hosed a little bit and y'all learn from my mistake. Note to self, no credit card when I'm bored. I should have probably just put dish soap in the dishwasher again and filled the kitchen with bubbles.

Eh.......

I kinda don't want to write about the rest of the weekend. Don't get me wrong, Saturday and Sunday were fantastic but I felt like writing about something else. So to please the people that I know if I left it at that they would be calling me a bastard on facebook while I'm at work, here is a little summary of Saturday and Sunday.

Woke up late, joked around with Tracey(she apparently talks about random gibberish when shes tired, also liked to do this thing where she doesn't quite rhyme but she uses a bunch of words with the same letter in them that is absolutely hilarious because for some reason I can't do it because apparently alphabet is hard), Got taunted to finally get out of bed and go to Clemson, Got there and Katie said that they needed my help carrying things, Was bombarded with water balloons instead, Did some grillin and drinkin, Went down to the boat (A full cooler on a downhill slope is a recipe for running over the tiny attractive chick you're with), Went to try to get the new tube blown up professionally (because that's how Benjamin's roll), The blow up shack was apparently taking the day off (but i got to walk on sharp rocks and a dock that was both hot and splintery at the same time), Went to hang out and swim for a while, Drank about as much Hartwell as beer (my pee will glow, just you watch), Had a giant dog jump on me when I'm trying to swim, Relaxed in the boat and poured cold water on the pretty lady, Rode over to the old island camping place (where Mr. H collected a bottle full of sand for no apparent reason other then to stash it somewhere in Captain Prententiousness's belongings), C.P. floored the boat on the way out and the 120 lb dog flies off the seat and onto my leg (niiiiice), We went back and went out to this Mexican place in Seneca (tucked magically behind Fat's Cafe), The ladies drank their weight in Margarita, Decided to head downtown Clemson, Hit several bars with the intention to play pool (but the group looked like the sun burnt walking dead because everyone was tired but everyone thought the other people wanted to keep going, until I was like, "This is fun, but I kinda want to go to bed", Went home to C.P.'s (who I'm thinking about changing his call sign to Timmy, because its equally funny with less periods), Fell asleep in Keihner's bed, Didn't wake up alone, Went to Target to find a tasteful woman's swimsuit (that's a first for "Thing's Michael has gone to Target for"), Drove Trace back to Columbia (where it was like 109 degrees), Went on a walk along the river with her and her miniature dog, Looked as sweaty and horrible as I thought I would (Woo guess who's never gonna get the goodbye hug), Hung out watching a chickish flick (Drinkin a Sundrop), Thought about laying my head on her lap, Realized I was a sweaty beast, Thought better of the plan and had her stretch out instead, And drove on back to Greer.

And that's pretty much the other two days rolled into one ongoing sentence where I throw out the rules of punctuation and capitalization, the spell checker program is going to flip its shit later. Pretty frickin awesome, hope y'all like it.

What I really wanted to talk about was Woot.com. I had visited Woot.com a couple times in the past but stopped after a while because the things weren't as much of a deal as they were pieces of crap sold for low low prices. But over the weekend Tracey was wearing these really funny T-shirts, and anyone who knows me knows that I love the witty t-shirt. So she says that she gets them on Woot.com on their shirt site. So I'm thinking in my head how this could work, perhaps you send them your $10 and they send you a random t-shirt and sometimes its cool and other times its a greasy Burger King employee shirt. But no, they have a different shirt each day for $10 and you can check them out and buy them. Woot didn't stop there however. In addition to regular shittastic stuff woot and shirt woot, they have wine woot. I don't really drink wine and to me two bottles for like sixty bucks seems like a ton, but I'm sure that theres someone out there who digs that thing. They should have called it Alcoholic Woot though where the slogan could be "Feeding your alcoholic needs from the comfort of the Internet". I'm really wondering what they are going to branch into next. Panties Woot? (Sometimes its cute but other times its a train wreck) Bread Woot? (8000 different kinds of bread, guaranteed to get to you smashed and stale) Or Random Cleaning Product Woot? (Easy off Bam or Lye, you be the judge). One can only dream.

The Little Things In Life....

Its a strange habit I'm forming. This is the second Monday in a row that I've gone to work limping. Last week I stepped on a rock retrieving a $1.50 floatie and cut my foot. This week a Labrador fell on my leg. But we'll get back to that later.

This weekend began with a ton of excitement. Out of nowhere a girl likes me and is coming to visit me. It was really like being the leader in a game that you didn't know you were playing. By Friday I had to admit though I was still worried. Tracey's car was in the shop and the mechanic seemed clueless, the time that it was going to be ready was moved farther and farther back. What started as a problem with the transmission had suddenly turned into a search for mythical creatures. I was to the point that I was willing to drive 2 hours out to Columbia to pick her up, but we waited while the time moved back from 1 to 3:30 to 5:30. When I was about to leave, she says that shes gotten a guy to drive her out to see me. Honestly this girl likes me enough that she has convinced a guy to drive her two hours to see me. What she didn't realize was that the guy she picked was an idiot. By the time she got here he had driven her crazy with his lack of knowledge on everything from the difference of organic and non organic fabrics to topics that a five year old could write a dissertation on. She cooled off with me on the balcony while she told her story, sipped a beer and sat upside down on the futon. Finally we decided to head to dinner. First date. We decided to go to the Great Bay Oyster House. I had a slight panic attack when we walked in the door and the place was pretty full and a book of reservations with my name no where at all in them. It turned out to be not that big of a deal as we just had to hang out at the bar a little before our table was ready.

The whole time was fantastic. Never have I laughed and had as good of a time on a first date. Everything from the fact that one of the oysters we ordered apparently looked like a certain part of the female anatomy, to different seating positions she made her students sit in when she was a teacher. It was fantastic and topped off with her "model walk" and wave on the way out. Finally a girl that is as goofy as I am. We hop in my car and start heading back to my apartment when we come across an accident that blocked the road and caused me to go another way. Now I know a good number of roads around here but I found myself in the middle of the Greer ghetto with date in tow. Surprisingly though she was a really good sport about it and we eventually we made it back to my place. We popped in a movie and relaxed and eventually fell asleep. One really amazing day I couldn't wait for more Saturday down at the lake.

To be continued....

Jelly and Long Distance Pranking Continued

So I woke up in a strange bed, Saturday morning. Not with a beautiful woman mind you. Not with an ugly woman either. Just by myself in Keihner's bed. He is away for the summer so I decided that his bed beat the overpriced uncomfortable sofa that C.P. has in his living room. It's noon, I'm still wearing what I wore the night before and I'm sorta hungry so I get up at the crack of noon. I figured Katie will be up already but she emerges at about the same time I do and we go get some food, although i can't remember what it was. Katie doesn't make decisions but shes quick to shape my decisions into where she wants to go. We return and go to the lake. I love the lake, I would really go there everyday if I could. We decided to chill on the dock for a while, where I actually used some sunscreen this week. Katie took a while to lather up so I jumped in and started paddling around with one of our new $1.50 floaties. Katie finishes and jumps in, probably washing most of the last fifteen minutes off in a single second. We paddle around and chat like we always do, and she laughed at me several times for not being able to pull myself up on the dock. I don't know if I have bad form or really skinny arms, but I can't do it. It's a goal for the end of the summer. After a while we get out and like clockwork Jeb, his girl (who for some reason I can't remember if shes a Michelle or a Britney or something totally different) and Steve come on out and join us. They bring beer, which is always nice, and we celebrate their arrival by picking up Katie and throwing her back in the lake. Its a fairly effortless process and I have the presence of mind to take her sunglasses off her face as we're picking her up. We soon all join her in the lake, except for BritneyMichelleSomebody who is content in chilling on the dock.

After a while I decide that I am going to swim across the lake. I swim like a fish and the task doesn't seem as daunting as you'd think. But I bring the one floaty and an inflatable bed thing that we found with be. Half way across I realize that these two items are really causing me to swim slow and are more of a hindrance then a help. So I stop on the little island in the middle and lay them down and continue to the other shore. I get about half way there when I turn around and see that the inflatable mattress thing blew off the island in a gust of wind and is floating away. I think about going for the shore and just letting it go since its not really mine anyway, but quickly reconsider and catch up with it. I drag it to the other shore like a lifeguard and lay back on the surprisingly sandy beach for a little. I quickly grow bored and head back to the other side. I have the inflatable bed thing under me like wings and I'm making good headway just using my legs. I have to stop at the center island however to pick up the $1.50 floaty, going by the lake swimmers motto of never leaving a good float behind. For as sandy as the side beaches are, the center island is the absolute opposite and covered in rocks. I exit quickly and I'm just pushing off when I step on a jagged rock. It hurts like crazy but I keep going back to my friends at the dock. I get up there and see that I cut the bottom of my foot but it doesn't seem that serious. I grab a beer and chill with them. Katie decides to head back a little earlier, pointing to her boobs and saying "Look I'm peeling".

Out of nowhere, a group of 18 year old freshmen show up, all sporting 22oz cans of Miller Lite. How could this not be suspicious to the person they bought them from? I mean seriously, if you came up and looked like you were 18 and had a bunch of 22oz'ers in hand, I don't care if your ID says you're 45, you're definitely underage. We hang out for a while more with the kids and then decide to hit the liquor store before it closes. Jeb stocks up on some Jack Daniels and me and Steven wander around looking like a bunch of 12 year olds on a field trip. We pile back into the car, me cuddling up to a large box of candles in the backseat (now in Midsummer's Night) and grab some grilling stuff at the grocery store. We go back to C.P.'s and chill for a while. We pop in a movie and I help Katie start grilling on C.P.'s huge illegal grill. Steve joins us on the balcony and starts handling knives and I decide it would be a good time to head back inside before I get stabbed by this crazy guy for calling him Steve (which I haven't stopped doing all day). I feel bad for Katie who stands her post but figure shes a big girl and can take care of herself.

We eat, the movie finishes and everyone is looking like they're about to nod off at 9pm. I am semi enthusiastic to go back downtown since I figure the alternative involves me chilling on on a couch while everyone else falls asleep. Everyone tries to wuss out and I have to use the "you're old" card several times, but finally I get all of them to agree except for BritneyMichelleSomebody who decides to go home. To do so however I have to agree that if we go I will have to get some chick's number of walk home from downtown. This isn't the first time that they have pulled something like this on me trying to make me branch out and impress drunk chicks with my ability to buy them drinks and provide a means to write. By forcing me into the situation, chances are I talk to less women then if you would have just agreed to go. Katie and I get to Tiger Town Tavern and the place is deserted. There are seriously two women in the entire place and both of them are extremely unattractive. I think about getting a quick number off of one of them anyway just to get the group off my back but ultimately decide not to and start playing Katie in some pool. I suck terribly but almost win both times, blowing it at the end of the game. Jeb and Steve join us and we play a couple more team games where Katie and I lose terribly. I suggest we head across the street to Nick's, remembering several times when they were full when the other bars were empty. Sadly it wasn't much better. Just a couple tables of fairly unattractive women. I enjoy my beers while getting dogged by the other three that my time was running out to get the number. On the second beer, when the bartender comes Jeb and I hold up a five dollar bill on my chest to match the Abe Lincoln shirt shes wearing and she gets a good laugh out of it. Time is ticking by and the other three are getting more and more adamant that I need to get a number. I tell the bartender the story and half think she wanted me to ask for hers but felt it wouldn't be worth it with her being fairly unattractive also. Resigned to my fate of walking home with a hurt foot and a bad knee I continue downing beers until closing time rolls around. Steve is asking if I want to go to Overtime, and figure that it would probably be better then just walking home. This however gets Katie to break her threat and agree to give me a ride home. It usually happens this way (the alternative usually being that I walk up to a table full of girls and tell them that my friend is being a douche and if I could please buy one of them a drink so I could get back to relaxing, I would be appreciative), but I appreciate the ride (and fast food) and soon I'm passed out where I woke up in the morning.

Long Distance Taunting and an Abundance of Jelly

I knew this weekend was going to be fun.I could have bet money on it. I was going to make sure it happened. Heck it started on Thursday.

I get a message late Wednesday or early Thursday with Katie asking if I wanted to hit up Downtown Live in Greenville that night. What she really was asking was for help in picking up Captain Pretentious's Jag from the dealer, and if I was good I would be rewarded with some fun times in Greenville. The Jag dealer had found that the only way to fix burnt out circuits in the door was to replace basically the whole thing and charge C.P. far more than they needed to. Seeing how I doubt C.P. knows much about his car (as shown by the time where he took 45 minutes to find the battery to jump his boat) they could have told him that the windows were out of magic Jag dust and he would have happily paid the bill. Oh and now that he's back I can finally put up the pictures of the little surprise I made for him.

An inside joke between our group of friends. But it should definitely warrant an angry phone call vowing my imminent death. But its the little things that make me smile, especially taking a Jag to the dealer with that sticker on it.

So anyway we get it back to my place and Katie decides that she has far too much work to spend time downtown laughing her ass off with us. You see I had called Jeb and his girlfriend and invited them along to the Blue Ridge Brewery for some fairly good food and drinks. Jeb and I have the exact same sense of humor and practically spend the whole time when we hang out trying to get the other to spit their drink out through their nose. With his pint sized girlfriend along for the ride, nursing broken fingers in a cup of ice water, we discussed tons of hilarious topics, from the logistics of filling C.P.'s trunk with dildos to reason's why I should if at all possible get married out of the state of South Carolina. It was so humorous that the two Blue Ridge employees selling beer to the Downtown Live crowds were cracking up standing beside us. After we finished up there, Jeb and I went to the Irish pub down the street for "one more drink" with his rather attractive paralegal-lawn maintenance-bartender friend. We also started a trend that would carry over the entire weekend of sending vulgar text messages to C.P. at 4:30am Swedish time.

After getting out of work Friday I was tasked by Katie to go to this bar and get C.P. another pony keg for his amateur beer operation. So I head into Blue Ridge which is where I thought she said to go. After several minutes with the owner looking at me like I was crazy and insisting that he didn't sell his kegs empty, I headed out. Apparently Katie had told me another place to go which explained the confusion. I head down to Clemson and wait outside C.P.'s for Katie to get out of a meeting and pick up a magazine to read. I have to say that Details magazine is a horrible piece of garbage, which shows the filthy rich which accessories they need to show that they are better and apparently more homophobic than their peers. I swear that if I am thrust into extreme wealth I will never dress like the people in that magazine, where dressing in extremely tight, ugly clothing is the fad. But anyway back to Friday. Katie got back and while she was very hungry, refused to make a decision on where to eat. So I chose Super Taco, which she had amazingly never been to. Flash forward to going downtown later. Katie and I head downtown with a friend Susan. Susan has a problem that while she says that shes having a good time, she looks like we're taking her to a funeral. But she asked if she could come along, so we were happy to invite her along. Also Jeb has said that after he finishes packing for a camping trip he has planned for Saturday he'll join us downtown. Katie gets a hold of my cell phone and changes her name to "I Don't Even Like Jelly!" which she uses to fake call me several times during the night. We start the night at Nick's, a bar known for a good beer selection but non-existent liquor. They are actually playing Ace of Base, which warrants the first text of the evening to C.P. in Sweden. Katie and Susan are talking about who knows what and I'm relieved when Jeb finally shows up with his friend Kyle. We have a good time joking around and head across the street to Tiger Town Tavern. When we get there we decide to mess with Kyle and call him Steve for the rest of the evening. The first round of the name change goes less then well with him shooting it down fairly quickly. But I stick with it. We bounce to a couple more bars and finally call it a night, dropping Susan off and getting some Taco Bell on the way back to Hart's Cove. Good night with a good day planned for the next day.

To be continued.......