Irish People and the Sun: A Cautionary Tale

So this weekend I anti-planned my way to Columbia on Friday with the intent to make it an epic weekend. I always intend for every weekend I have, no matter where I am or who I'm with, for it to be an awesome time for everyone. So I head over Friday afternoon and call D.P. as I'm getting close and he says to give him another call when I'm even closer. I think that its sorta strange since I just said that I'm only ten to fifteen minutes away and drive on into Lexington to his apartment and knock once and then let myself in the unlocked door when no one answers. I don't see anyone around but hear murmurs from D.P.'s room. So I knock on his door and I get a friendly "Make yourself at home," and hear a feminine giggle. Oh great, interrupted business time for D.P. and his new girl. I switch on the Wii and start playing some Mario Cart, I win my first race (the game is somewhat easy) and out of D.P.'s room comes D.P and Mystery Girl. Mystery Girl looks very familiar but insists that she has never met me (it turned out she had back around St. Patrick's Day). Her and D.P. are fairly intoxicated and are all over each other on the couch next to me. D.P. senses the awkwardness of the situation and has Mystery Girl straddle my lap, which is somewhat hilarious because she sat there for the next fifteen minutes while we all chatted, like nothing was out of the ordinary. Finally they decide to shower and we head out to drop Mystery Girl off at her car and then go downtown. Apparently she has a long time boyfriend and so her and D.P. are trying to keep it secret until she makes the move to get out of the house and find a place of her own. The funny part however is that they are incredibly bad at coming up with stories to explain where she's been and why she has hickey's and wet hair from the shower. Mystery Girl claims that the hickey, on her nipple, was explained away as being caused by playing with her dog topless. And her boyfriend actually bought it. Now she is going home with wet hair and comes up with a story that both her and D.P. agree is a good plan:

"I had a shower and then went to get a donut"

When she said this I must have had a look on my face that was absolutely priceless. I responded that it was perhaps the dumbest thing I've ever heard and suggested she skip going home now and call her boyfriend that she went downtown to hang out with her friends, or anything else that any person with half a brain would believe. Now I am very against cheating and lying to a significant other, even if you are unhappy and your partner is dumb as a brick. But they insisted this plan would work and off she went and we headed down to surprise surprise, the Saucer. We meet up with Paul and get a table outside by the door. Two guys join us and I am informed they are a gay couple. I have no problem with gay guys as long as they don't try anything, which they don't, so they're generally nice guys to hang out with. Mystery Girl, after successfully duping her boyfriend and slipping out again, joins us at the table along with another guy, who I'm informed is also at least bi, if not full on gay. Would have never known, met him before, funny guy, no problem. So I'm sitting there with four gay guys and D.P. and Mystery girl, who are doing about as close to openly making out as you can. Finally Jennifer shows up, which was good because I had really been hoping to see her again during my visit and everyone is chatting and drinking and having a good time. Jennifer shows off her back tattoos that I had seen the last time I was there but she doesn't seem to remember. D.P. and Mystery Girl disappear from the table for a little while and finally return a little later informing us that they just got a small ovation after emerging from the Men's bathroom together. Mystery Girl is somewhat embarrassed about the whole ordeal but we continue drinking and talking and having a good time. Then they disappear again and this time return saying that the owner of the bar reprimanded them for being in the Men's bathroom again, which D.P. claims was to clean spilled beer off Mystery Girl's pants. He also informs us that its probably time to go to another bar. So we pay and head across the street to Liberty.

I really don't like Liberty, I don't know if I mentioned it before but they build Liberty Tap Room's in such a way that there is no room to sit or stand or do anything, and they have a dance floor taking up a quarter of the inside area. It is an ordeal to get any drinks and I end up spilling a little on the two girls at the bar that I reach across to grab the glasses from the bartender. D.P. and Mystery Girl wanted to go to this bar because they wanted to dance, or more accurately, walk to the middle of the dance floor and start making out. So I sit down with my table full of gay guys and scope the place out for women. Jennifer had to leave to go to some concert which she tells us will probably not be good, but her friends are playing so she has to go. I eventually get drug to the dance floor by Mystery Girl who for some reason really wanted to dance with me. By this time I am semi-sober and really not feeling like dancing. but I kinda fake it for a couple minutes doing my usual grab the hips and move around a little bit dance method that seems to work alright. Finally D.P wandered onto the dance floor and I was able to switch out by replacing myself with him. After we all got back to the table I entertained myself by putting as many sugar packets as i could into Mystery Girl's purse while she wasn't looking. D.P. ends up spilling his almost full Guinness on us and the three of us are pretty much covered in Guinness and we decide its time to go.

After a white knuckle drive back to D.P.'s (I can't drive his car), we get there in one piece. Mystery Girl is drunk and complaining that she wants to go home. Bryan is informing her that he won't drive her home. I say that I could, but the argument continues and I decide to step outside and text Jennifer and let them sort it out. Everything settled down by the time I got back and while I was getting myself some water I decided it would be nice to get my drunk friends a couple glasses as well. They seemed to appreciate it up until the point when Mystery Girl tried to drink and poured the entire glass of water on her face, drenching both of them and the couch I had planned to sleep on. Everyone goes to bed, I stretch out on the floor and drift off into a back wrenching night's sleep.

And this is just the beginning..... to be continued......