About Puppies and Bunnies or Stuff

First off this is my new bed, picked it up last week and got nice white sheets for it, definitely going for the "sleeping on a cloud look. Heard light colors were good fung swei today also, didn't try that but good for me. Hopefully it will fung swei some ladies into it. Still need to get some more art for the wall tho.

The only downside of the new bed, if you look in the corner of the picture you can see the corner of my desk. My desk is frickin huge. Its a beat up old army desk with this cool pop out shelf thing on the side, but between it and my new bed, I have literally a foot and a half of space between the two in which to put my chair for my desk. Which means if I want to get to my closet I either have to climb over my bed or my chair to get there. Not really anything I can do about it though, I can't think of another way to arrange my room.

So this weekend was a super phun thyme again. I was a little worried since I was sick going into it that I would feel terrible the whole time and not enjoy myself, but it was super sweet. I went to Clemson this weekend to hang out with Captain Pretentious. As soon as I got there we went out on the boat. It was definitely nice to get out on the water again. C.P. has all of a sudden decided that he will abandon his over cautious boat driving for a different method where he puts the hammer down and then stands on the chair, making corrections to steering only when he needs to. Mr. and Mrs. H joined us after an hour and we hung out on the lake drinking some Pabst Blue Ribbon (which has to be the best since it got the blue ribbon) and relaxing until it got dark and we headed back where C.P. parked his boat in the slip that he hasn't paid for since he got the boat and probably owes about a grand on back fees on. But its nice and close to his apartment, so it works out. We all went up to his place and got ready to go downtown.

We hit Peppinos first to get some pizza with our first round of dt beers. Peppinos however was about 900 degrees. I was dying the whole time we were there and mentally urging the slow eaters to finish up so we could get out of there. Jeb and his girlfriend joined us, everyone made fun of me sweating and we bounced to the next bar. Now Jeb and I have exactly the same sense of humor so we were basically feeding off each other the entire night and both cracking up like crazy. By the end of the third bar, Nick's we were both fairly intoxicated and everything seemed to be hilarious. I no longer cared about picking up chicks and mostly was just having a blast joking around. By the fourth bar we had focused our attention on making fun of Captain Pretentious, and I got Jeb to spit out his drink twice by referring to C.P. as a small part of a woman's anatomy, complete with sign language for when he was on his phone. He actually made the mistake at one point in telling us that his first album he bought was Ace of Base, which as a guy you can never say out loud even if its true. But he was a good sport and after several more drinks (with me buying one for a rather attractive girl sitting at our table who looked bored out of her mind, but I didn't talk to her or get a number or anything, whatever it seemed nice) we headed home.

The next day I was planning on heading out to do my slacking by myself since I figured C.P. needed to study. But as I was about to go he suggested we go get some food. So we went to the Tiki Hut and had overpriced sandwiches served to us by a waitress with some badass gold shoes, where he talked me into staying and going out on the boat again instead of going home. He claimed that he could print out his notes and study on the boat while we hung out and relaxed. So he prints them out and we go out on the boat. We drive it about two hundred yards off the dock and are about to anchor it when Pete, C.P.'s roommate realizes that he forgot the cooler on the dock. I figure, I wanted to go for a swim anyway, I'll swim back and get it. As I was about to jump off C.P. is telling me to go so he can throw the anchor in, which I knew he was up to something since it didn't make any sense, but I figured he would drive away when I jumped off and it didn't bother me much because I would be waiting back on the dock with a full cooler and hot chicks. So I start swimming back (almost losing the suit in the dive, since I had borrowed it from C.P. and it didn't have the tie anymore at the top) and the swim is a lot longer then I thought but I made it. But half way back I see the boat driving right back toward the dock. So by the time I got there, all I needed to do was hop on and we headed back out again. The rest of the day was spent drinking ice tea and beer and reading a magazine while C.P. studied. A nice relaxing fun weekend that I hope to repeat several times this summer.

Political Thoughts at 12:30 in the Morning

After taking a nap when I got home I'm wide awake and thought I'd write. With the big Pennsylvania primary today which for the first time ever "actually means something"(even though it really doesn't, except for the fact that Obama couldn't put Hilary away so we now have to still hear from her for another couple months) I felt that I would talk about my views. I like how whenever you hear a Obama ad you hear the youthful voice of one of his supporters going "Barack opposed the war from the beginning". That's easy to say 5 years and 2000 or so deaths later that you weren't in favor of something. Thank you Junior Senator that five years ago when you were getting the the real Senator a cup of coffee you voiced your opinion that you didn't really think it was a good idea. If we would have rolled up in Iraq and put this thing away in six months I really doubt he would be going "see i told you". But the problem with the US military today is that we've lost the guts to just be bastards in a place, wreck shit, bring all their leaders up on the same war crimes we were doing, and then ten years later say "That was our bad, here's some cash to rebuild". We haven't had this mentality since World War 2, where we would napalm entire city blocks in Japan. But suddenly something changed when we got to Vietnam where we forgot that the last time we fought an Asian nation we had to blow two of their cities off the map to get them to stop. Instead we're walking through the jungles in lines. We turned into the British during the Revolutionary War. Oh yeah lets go marching in nice little slow moving lines while the enemy uses gorilla tactics to totally decimate our forces. How long do you think we would have been in Vietnam if we started it out by dropping a bomb on their major city. We would have mopped that up in a month and a half and the world would have known that the US does not mess around. War is about doing horrible things, its just the way it is, until people remember this we will not find success in any military action. We prosecute our own Generals and soldiers for doing their job and we wonder why we're not seeing the results that we hoped for. Bringing up our intelligence people for torture? Do you think the people that we need information from are going to sit down with a cup of coffee and say, "ya know, if you go down the street and take a left, the guy you're looking for is right there", of course not, let them do their job, heck don't tell us about it, the average American is dumb as a brick, especially if you say "We tortured these guys to get information" without the part that because they did these thousand people were saved. And how haven't we found Osama Bin Laden. He releases video tapes people. UPS can track where my packages are at any point and time and you're telling me we can't send a couple CIA guys over there and ask people where they got the video tape?

So now the democrats are starting their campaign with how they will end the war in Iraq immediately and send everyone home. I mean I want them to finish up and come home as much as anyone, but only John McCane is actually realistic about it. This is why he sadly will probably never win. He actually is realistic. As democrats, lets promise national health care without any plans to pay for it, lets promise that we'll end the war in Iraq immediately with the only exit strategy being that we just pull them out and send them home, and somehow the economy will be all better if we start making everyone buy marked up American made products. Heck I've even seen ads where Hilary has a goal to bring back the middle class. A woman that has never been middle class her entire life says she'll bring it back and charge more taxes to the wealthy. Didn't she make multi-millions last year? There's going to be no rich congressman who's going to say, "Well I'd really like some more taxes, especially if it gives the poor more money to keep having kids they can't afford to have" And there's actually a law trying to be passed that levels the playing field for candidates for political office, where if a candidate has a ton of money, we have to make it fair for everyone else running and limit the money that they invest. Who's going to actually pass this law? Is there a secret 51% of Congress that are poor and somehow scraped up enough cash to run for their seat?

Sorry for babbling on, but America needs to get realistic, and it really bothers me to hear day after day about the stupid things that people are getting away with saying these days.

Dating

After a friend on facebook voiced her concern that she didnt know the definition of dating I figured it would make a good blog post for me to explain my view on the subject in the only way I can: with lots of crude sarcastic puns.

So here are the levels of relationships and what they mean to a guy:

Seeing: We hang out a lot but she still pays for her share of stuff and there's no romantic things going on

Dating: I feel good enough about the level of romantic things we're doing that I don't have a problem footing the bill for the activities that we do. However theres something about you that still makes me unsure about signing up for the "You only" club.

Relationship: I'm good with you exclusively, unless I'm calling this an open relationship in which I like having sex with you but I have someone on the side and calling this a relationship cuts down on the amount I have to spend taking you out on dates.

Friends with Benefits: I don't mind having the sex but its probably not worth me taking you out to fancy dinners when it cuts into our sex time.

One Night Stand: Chances are I don't remember your name, but unless you gave off a super weird vibe I'd probably be interested if you called in turning this into at least Friends with Benefits, whatever your name is.

Hope that was helpful
This was a Mike Robertson public service announcement

Cola Cola Cola Chemeleon

After a comment free hot chick article, which had the added bonus of me getting to see Natalie Portman whenever I opened my blog to check on the lack of comments, I figured I'd talk about last weekends trip to Columbia. This sequel stars myself, one of my best friends who I will call DP, and two of his roommate's friends who joined us for the trip, TJ and Jerry. Also starring are Jennifer and the king of the Saucer Paul.

OK so I get there on Friday afternoon at about 6:30 to find DP washing his overly expensive car. Without a woman in his life, DP's woman has become this car. He loves this car more then he loves anyone who rides in it, walks near it, touches it or any other variation. If you're thinking about it right now, he probably would like you to stop because it might cause water droplets on the paint. So when he washes his car, its really something incredibly amusing to watch. So I'm standing there drinking one of the beers I brought along, shootin the shit with him while he washes his baby with various sizes of the car wash mitten. He's finally satisfied after accidentally shooting both me and himself with the hose. I go in and shower while he runs three miles. DP has an incredible workout habit despite drinking his weight in Lager each week at various pint night, mystery pint night, and trivia night drinking specials. He gets back and showers and we head out to THE SAUCER. The start of every night barhopping in Columbia starts with the Saucer. They have over 200 beers and part of DP's new found alcoholism has him racing through them three at a time to get the next color of backing on his plate hanging on the wall. As usual we crash with Paul who has drank enough in there that he has authority to influence hiring and firings. This is a huge plus since besides being a nice guy, we usually get a table and an overattentive "Beer Goddess" to help us out with our every need. I'm excited that ours just happens to be the hottest woman I've ever seen and stutter through ordering pretty much whatever she recommends. I'm easy like that. Eventually TJ and Jennifer show up and join the three of us in cramming into the booth. After a couple hours of messing with phones, eating, drinking, taking blood sugar readings and various other tomfoolery and shenanigans we decide to head to 5 points.

5 points is the other side of Columbia where the bars are slightly cheaper and all of them are packed full of fairly awful USC people. Girls that are wasted and flailing around in their unapproachable circle of impenetrability, most of which chain smoking as well. And Guys that are mostly very frattastic and waiting for the drunken circles to break slightly so they can refill the alcohol reserves for an easy score later. We go to several bars, most of which are stuffed full to the point that it takes you a good fifteen minutes to get a drink at the bar. I hate crowded bars more then anything. I would rather a bar have no one in it and allow me to talk to my friends and drink to my little heart's content. A shining bonus of getting to talk to Jennifer, who is an unbelievably chill and fun chick, keeps me rolling along. By the end of the night we've hit at least a half dozen bars (including one that had really good cheap pizza and buzztime trivia) and I'm smiling like there's no tomorrow. Fun night, no worries, we go home and play the majority of a game of beer pong and I get to pass out on DP's roommate's bed since he isn't there.

The next day, after several unsuccessful attempts to get up, I finally make it out at 12:30ish still feeling surprisingly drunk despite the 9 hours of sleep that I got. Fast forward through a day of eating and playing video games to another trip to the Saucer. DP needs his three beers of the day, informing me that he's only $400+ dollars away from his next color of decorative flatware. Jerry joins us this time, trading out for Jennifer(not exactly a good trade) and informs us that he's already had more alcohol during the day then I planned to have in the course of a weekend. We leave Saucer and head to this "party" at a bar that I've been told is on the shady side of Columbia. So shady in fact that no one thinks its a good idea to leave their car there. It does however have a RFID gadget on the door to only allow members to enter (until they enter and prop the door open) because they felt that making it a member's bar would cut down on the fighting. This place is unlike any place I've been to. Side by side in this establishment are college students(probably underage) and some of the shadiest characters in Columbia. After an hour we decide to slip out and go back to 5 points. We bounce from bar to bar, all of them fairly unimpressive. For some reason I'm not feeling drunk but an increasing ache throughout my entire body which is fairly unpleasant. After closing time we head back to the shady bar which I'm told really picks up after closing because of everyone wanting to continue their drinking in the only place left open. I'm about to buy the four of us some beers when I notice that the other three guys are not in the bar at all anymore. I leave the bar to find them surrounding Jerry who is very sick and painting the wall of the bar a slightly better color. He finishes up and we go into the bar where he looks worse and worse and I suggest we leave. DP gives Jerry a plastic bag so big that he could have probably fit his entire body in it and off we go back to his place, the entire time DP is saying variations of "If you're going to puke, puke in the bag" and "If you puke in my car I'm going to force you to buy me an entire new car" We're about five minutes from his place when all of a sudden Jerry sticks his entire head into the bag and starts throwing up. While hes throwing up TJ is trying to explain to him that he doesn't have to have his whole head in the bag, and Bryan is still yelling away about not letting a drop of throw up out of that bag and into his precious baby. I can't help but smile at the spectacle. We get home and Jerry does a combination of throwing up and passing out while I decide to crash on the couch and watch a movie instead of going back out to the shady bar with the other two.

I awoke the next day to a crescendo for bathroom vomiting and headed home from yet another crazy adventure to Columbia.

Top 5: Hottest Actresses

After questions over the weekend about my favorite things, I figured I could do a post on some of them. So without further ado, here are my top five hottest actresses:

1) Natalie Portman: Unbelievably sexy and also very intelligent (Harvard grad, knows about 6 languages) Natalie Portman could be the perfect woman. Aside from her being an avid vegan (unamerican), I would sell my soul to be with this chick. If you're a fan also, I recommend checking out a very clothing free Natalie in the Darjeeling Limited. So if anyone knows her, you know where to send her.




2) Angelina Jolie: Perfect body, wild personality and all those sexy tattoos. Aside from her recent goal to adopt a child from every third world nation she is unbelievably sexy and I can't wait to see her next movie where she plays a sexy hitman...or hitwoman. I really doubt I could steal her away from Brad Pitt but if she showed up at my door for a weekend of wild sex, I could die a happy man.



3) Jodie Foster: Another smart sexy woman who without a doubt is a perfect woman. She may be a little older but I would still love to share a panic room with her.










4) Rachel Leigh Cooke: Underrated actress who's smart and spunky and I would love to see her in more films. She has this cute littleness to her that I find super appealing. I'm trying to think of a Josie and the Pussycats innuendo but nothing is coming to me.










5) Shannyn Sossamon: There's something very exotic and appealing about her that I can't get enough of her. See also looks slightly like a young Angelina Jolie. There is also this thing she does with biting her lip that is incredibly sexy. What I would do for 40 days and 40 nights with this chick.








Honorable Mentions: Always could use some more Mandy Moore and Giada Delaurentis could broil me with a nice Alfredo sauce


I know its not the usual Hollywood top five but that's who I like, and now that I've exhausted my supply of puns for today, let me know what else you want my opinion on and I'd be happy to let you know.

Morning Glory

When my alarm goes off at 6:30 in the morning I go through about the same thought process everyday, instead of an inner monologue, it turns into an inner dialogue between a part of myself that wants to go to work and a part of myself that doesn't. The funny thing is that while my "evil" part does most of the talking, my good part controls my body without the consent of my brain. Every morning I think to myself that I could sleep some more, then I remind myself that I already moved the wake-up time as late as I possibly can to still make it to work on time with a shower. Then I think that I might not need a shower. Then I scope out the Wolverine hairstyle that I'm sporting and reconsider. Then I think to myself that I haven't taken a day off yet, they wouldn't mind if I took today off. Then I think that it would be more trouble faking an illness and then having to answer a list of medical questions from my coworkers the next day. By this time I have somehow collected a set of clothes from my closet, checked my computer for messages that may have been left overnight (there barely ever is any), and gotten into the shower. At which point the thoughts of skipping work slowly dissolve into the warm water, not hot mind you, since I crank it to the H and its still not super hot. So everyday I think about taking a day off, but everyday I never do. Could be saying something about my character or how much I like my job. I also often think that weekend plans are a poor idea in the morning, believing that if I blew them off I could make up for not getting to be in bed during the week. This changes back as the day goes on until I forget about sleeping again. Its a repeating cycle that doesn't change if I go to bed at 8 or 12, a revolving cycle of morning hate.

My Hair

For the majority of my life I've had really short hair. Out of laziness mostly. I don't even own a hairdryer or for that matter a comb or a brush or anything. Usually I jump out of the shower (OK ladies start your mental picturing) and dry off and run my hand through my hair three times and I'm done. Easy as hell. But lately I've let it grow longer. Also out of laziness mostly, and the fact that the last two times i got it cut the woman doesn't listen at all when I tell her what I want and when I say "No that's not good" so when I'm walking out the door I wonder why I paid for a haircut I could have given myself with a pair of fisher price safety scissors. So anyway its much longer then usual now. Not to say that if you saw me you would say, damn Michael you're a frickin hippie, but its long for me. So now instead of the "run my fingers through it and go" I end up looking like a mix between Elvis, a mohawk and an electrocution patient. And most of the time I leave it because I don't really care. Sometimes though I strike gold. The other day, I rush on through my morning routine and head to work. A couple hours into work I catch my reflection in a mirror and somehow I look like I should be captaining a yacht with my lovely wife Bunny, everything parted perfectly to the side. Captain Pretentious would be proud. But by the end of the day I've gotten stressed out about one thing or another and run my hands through my hair so by the time i get home I look like I've been rolling around my padded cell a little too briskly at the funny farm. But I still want to see what happens if I really let it go.


But chances are I'll get tired of it and cut it all off in a week.



OK this post is sorta lame but hopefully y'all will get some laughs out of it