Too Late and Zombie Troubles

After slacking through the entire week and not writing about the previous weekend, I'm not sure if it will get written about in detail. However here are a few things that we learned in the last weekend:

1) BMS should not drive and use the Blackberry at the same time- Holy crap. Emailing and driving on winding back roads and highways don't mix. I think my finger marks are permanently ingrained in the armrests.

2) Jeb's dad's boat is the shizzle- It's so close to the battleships in the harbor that you could stand on the back and peg people with rocks (if you wanted to do that) and once you're inside you can barely tell that you're even on a boat.

3) Charleston is Heaven- There is a five to one hot girl to guy ratio. So so many hot women. One day I will be there.

4) Women doing believable cricket noises is a surprising turn 0n- Yeah I didn't realize it myself.

and the big # 5

A lot of gas stations close by 11:00- Saturday night we had no gas and were crossing our fingers when the Garmin said that the next closest station was another 15 miles away (through the middle of flooded nowhere). Its OK the first time it tells you this, but by the fifth time in a muscle car, you start to worry a little bit.


Now on to zombies. I've been playing Dead Rising and had an incredibly angering time today with it. Here is my story.

I polish off the one boss easily with several shotgun blasts and get a call from Otis that my services are needed. I jump kick and smack my way through the zombies to a boarded up clothing store where two people have barricaded themselves in. I fight off the horde of zombie outside like the pimp I am and move some barricade to get inside. I'm rewarded with one of the two inhabitants running up and smacking me with a bat before I can explain that I'm here to save them. So I wail on him for a little until he finally gives up and he and his buddy decide to allow me to save their lives. I get outside the barricade and call for them to follow me while I restock some weapons at the hardware store. The hardware store is always good for zombie killing. I return to find that they not only got hung up on the environment, they are now fighting through zombies very poorly. I help them out and we go talk to Brad, which basically takes fighting though masses of zombies to have him be pissed off at some old man. So we head back the other way. A couple zombies catch me but overall I'm doing OK, and the two guys I saved are being troopers. I get another call from Otis which causes me to have to run around like a crazy person since the game doesn't allow me to fight and hear about missions at the same time. I'm told that there's a woman in the jewelery store who need my help. So my merry band of shitty fighters follows me to the jewelery store, sort of. As I go inside I look out and the biggest group of zombies ever has surrounded the two morons and they are not knocking down any of them. I head outside and somehow pick off the zombies with a shotgun without hurting the two guys in the middle. I get one of them back inside and the other one decides that he wants to crawl to the store. I'm waiting forever and picking off the zombies that are trying to eat him. I finally get them in the shop and talk to the girl who is hysterical over the loss of her baby. Unfortunately this means that she doesn't want to walk. So I scoop her up and realize that this has caused me to not be able to get over the counter and out the door. So I have to put her down, jump the counter and then stand there like a moron and call for them to follow me. This takes what seems like hours and finally I scoop her up and run through the horde of zombies(since again I can't do shit with her on my back) yelling to tweedle dum and tweedle dee to follow me. I get past two areas of the mall and get to the giant park in the middle. Unfortunately this starts a cut scene with three crazy guys on a Humvee running people down. So I run on up and invite the girl to join me in my trek to safety which is right across the clearing.
So I now have a girl on my back, and a girl and two guys running behind me through a park full of zombies. I think that I have lucked out because the hummer seems to be leaving my party alone for the time being and we cross the park with barely any incidents (besides the two guys getting stuck in a decorative pond until I walked up and continued yelling in their faces for them to follow me). We get to the door and its blocked by tons of zombies. I pull out my shotgun to clear a path when one zombie grabs me. One of the retard twins does his best to get it off me with the gun I had given him and manages to shoot me twice. As I'm picking up the girl again and thinking how awesome it will be when I get four rescues at the same time, out of nowhere the Humvee comes blasting on through smacking me into the wall following it up by blasting me to death with the mounted machine gun on the back.

And that's all she wrote. No rescue. No big bonus and feeling of wicked awesomeness. Just me, starting the game over.

Damn Zombies.

Sorry

I know I'm taking forever to write like usual, but it probably wont be until tomorrow, tonight is House and Fringe night so my time is taken up.

My Reaction to Tonight's House Episode

By Mike Robertson

Caution Spoilerz!?!?!

Tonight's episode made little to no sense to me. Sure there was the interesting case of the father/daughter combo who had no feelings and would sleep walk for long periods of time, where he would somehow drive his car and do coke, but then there was the underlying mishmash story line.

House continues to be overly dickish to Cutty (who I have a super crush on), and never really explains why he even cares that she's getting a kid. Then the big problem, the fucked up meth-addict mother. What, a meth addict who says shes been clean for a couple months is having health problems? No way. Then after they risk the baby's life to save her, she suddenly has a change of heart about giving the kid away? Now I had a feeling the whole time watching the episode that something would happen and Cutty wouldn't get the baby, but damn it Cutty. If that baby and her tiny underdeveloped lungs could speak, she would be telling you that its time to have a scene where you turn the pain meds up and cause the meth-addict mother (who will probably go back to drugs and unprotected sex even before she gets out the door of the hospital)to bite the big one and give the little tike a future in a nice neutrally painted room. Hell it would be a whole season's worth of drama where she struggles whether to come clean. Or at least fight it a little, how tough could it be to convince a judge that you would be a better parent then a drugged out teen. They could have slipped it in and still had time to include the poorly written ending where no impressive monologue is said about his feelings and House finally kisses her and leaves. Sure it was a sorta predictable episode of House that overall wasn't that bad, but I think the writers got lazy or something.

Let me know what yall think.

Butch, Sundance and Bojangles

I had a fantastic day today, got a raise (not a huge one, so don't go asking me to buy you dinner) after being told in my yearly review that I was the bomb diggity. I'm sort of uncomfortable when I'm the focus of a conversation, even when its good, but I was pretty stoked to be told by my boss that I was doing a good job and would be getting 8% more money each month. Anyway on with the weekend overview.

The weekend started like the others. Relaxing afternoon off from work. Fast food. Tennis in the Hamptons (no not really). Video games. After all that I drove on down to Clemson, stocking up on a four pack of Red Bull on the way to hopefully ward off the case of the yawns that usually catch up with me unusually early on a Friday night. Also I heard murmurs about having to get up at 8am on Saturday for another 12 hours of tailgating which sounded much better with an infusion of caffiene. I arrived just in time for Jeb to show me a new game he had rented before dinner. This game was called De Blob and consisted of moving your little paintball around this cartoon city and bringing color back to the area. Surprisingly very fun and very addictive. But 8pm rolled around and we decided to go to the Japanese place for dinner. BMS ordered this appatiser that appeared to be sugar snap peas with salt on them. She had some fancy name for them but they certainly weren't jalepeno poppers or anything. She put us to shame with her ability to open them with her mouth (no not in a dirty way) and we all ate up on Japanese for a while (with a mixup which involved a trade of squid for soup and a wasabi eating dare). Afterwords it was BMS late, so we dropped her off and headed downtown. We did the usual Nick's/Griffin's jump, both of which were surprisingly full. Plenty of eye candy but very difficult to fight my way through to get a drink. We had a good time. Sundance and Jeb's bald asian friend Chris showed up and we all but stayed until closing. When we arrived back at Jeb's, he was very interested in going to Walmart to get a straw cowboy hat for some reason and I decided to tag along and maybe get some food to calm down the influx of liquor that was rolling around in my stomache. However like any usual trip to Walmart, things didn't go to plan.

Things we didn't get:
Straw cowboy hat

Things we did get:
2 copies of a zombie video game
2 personal pizzas
1 microwavable gumbo

How these things arose out of a cowboy hat, I will never know. We also played Rock Band "Eye of the Tiger" which was for some reason set up in the men's clothing department. After this randomness we returned to the house and passed out at 3am.

---------

Flash forward 5 hours and arise Michael: King of the Undead. I had the worst hangover ever and seriously contemplated not going to tailgate again (a thought that enters my head every tailgate morning). In addition I was told that it was really cold outside, making me even more likely to spend my day on the couch. But after a shower and the promise of muffins shaped like tiger paws, I was out the door. I was sporting a nice yellow backpack full of liquor and my rock star sunglasses, despite it being a really cloudy day. We tailgated for a while and I was rewarded with lots of bacon (although I didn't ever get to see the elusive bacon-wrapped hot dog). I had pretty much given up on getting a ticket though, so after a trip downtown where Jeb and Butch got matching ridiculous hats, I went back to the house to chill and either watch the game on TV or paint cartoon slums. I was just about to settle into bringing joy to pasty little mediclorians when I got a call saying that some people didn't show up and I suddenly had a ticket. So I hoofed it back to the stadium and got to watch the game in person. Sadly however I apparently missed out on the UPS goody bag distribution. After our offensive line folded like laundry and we eked out a narrow loss (why do people still run onto the field after the game when we lose?), we headed back to the tailgate. Sadly the mythical bacon-wrapped hot dog never appeared, but the food was incredible as usual. After a little rain scare caused us to pack up, the guys still wanted to head downtown.
We start heading down there and its immediately very obvious that Bald Asian Chris is super intoxicated already. He's getting sick in the street, talking with a Boston accent and asking passers by if they have some coffee for him. He wanted to go to a bar that we never usually go to, Loose Change. Loose Change is a cramped little hole in the wall, a grungy little place that frat boys for some reason love. So I pretty much leaned up against a wall to stay out of the way of the drunken frat boys with homosexual tendencies wrestling with each other until it was happily time to leave. While Bald Asian Chris didn't cause a disturbance like I was hoping, there was a comical moment when he started chatting up this girl who had the funniest deer-in-the-headlights look on her face the whole time. After Loose Change we retreated to Griffin's again, where the First Couple of Polo showed up for approximately 20 minutes and then left. Eventually our group dwindled down to Jeb, Sundance, myself and a girl that I was introduced to as "Jen with one 'n'" (I don't think I've ever seen someone throw a double "n" when shortening Jennifer). Jen with one "n" was way too drunk to drive back to Easily, but wanted to go home. So we all left. Sundance and Jeb took her home while I went in and made my pizza that I had bought at Walmart the previous night and then passed out on the couch.

Sunday involved a trip to Bojangles (sorta disappointing side items, decent chicken) and easily getting talked into staying much longer than I was planning with a combination of Blue Ray Indiana Jones and Pizza Hut pasta. I was told that in the upcoming weekend that I "would be going" to Charleston. Not a question or a request. I'll be there. So that could be a good time. But I still always have a great time hanging out in Clemson and this weekend was definitely a good one.

My Own Worst Enemy

Watching the premier the other night I was troubled. Not because the plot wasn't nearly as tight as it should be. Not because Christian Slater is a fairly poor actor to be undertaking a role that he has to play a guy with multiple personalities when all the characters he plays have the same personality. Not even because a quarter of the episode was an advertisement for Chevy.

No I was worried about Mike O' Malley.

He really appears to be on death's doorstep.

See exhibit A.

Mike O' Malley before, when all he did was shout at kids on Nickelodeon's Guts!

And now just fifteen years later he appears to be 75 and depressed. I think it may be because they don't let him yell as much anymore.

So please NBC, get Mike O' Malley some help. Bruce Campbell isn't even in this bad of shape and you know a guy known for doing B-Movies had to have some pretty dark years. Or at least hire Maura Quirk as a character on the show. If theres anyone that can help him out its Mo.

Weekend Recap and My Thoughts

This weekend I decided to end my long absence in Columbia with a nice little visit. There was a chili cook off planned in Five Points and hanging out with D.P. and L.C. is always a fun time. So on Friday after killing a boat load of Venezuelans on my new 360, I packed up and drove the two hours to Columbia. As instructed I called him up when I got 20 minutes away and discovered that the plans had changed and I missed the exit he wanted me to get off on to drive to L.C.'s apartment. Luckily with the help of some vague directions ("I don't know the name of the road but its gotta be coming up sometime soon on the left") I made it to her place. Being the female version of D.P. her place was sort of a mess and the AC was malfunctioning so bad that it was pumping out two dollars worth of air with a two hundred dollar bill. I "chilled" on the balcony playing tug of war with her beautiful dog until D.P. showed up.

I wasn't too sure what we would do with the newly steadfastly sober D.P. So I just went with the flow. A flow that involved lots and lots of bar-b-que and the new DiCaprio spy movie. I also got to answer 864 questions from L.C. about things ranging from their relationship to sexual positions. L.C. has a gift for asking me questions that I don't want to answer but sticking with them long enough that I have no choice but to answer them.

Saturday we went to the cook off which was more awesome then I even expected. There were over 30 different little tents o' chili. Buffalo chili, venison chili, chili without beans, chili with Jim Beam (the only really horrible one I tasted), and chili that was so hot that I lost all feeling in my mouth. After eating enough chili to assure that my body would hate me terribly later we headed off to watch the rest of the South Carolina and Texas games. Sadly South Carolina won, and we headed out. They wanted to show me the new bar called Wet Willies. Instead of filling the back of the bar with liquor bottles, the place specialized in slushies made of grain alcohol. Give that a second to sink in. They make really tasty fruit slushies and dump a ton of high alcohol liquor in there too. The background of the bar was spinning with a dozen different colors and flavors. These ranged from normal fruit flavors to some named interesting things like Call-a-Cab and Attitude Adjustment. We literally chilled there for a while in nice big leather chairs and had a ball.

(This will be where the picture goes, when blogger stops being gay)

That's basically the whole weekend. It was a ton of fun and aside from a little credit card mix up it was pretty darn fantastic. It was also hilarious because I was told, "This is off the record, this shouldn't appear in your blog" about three dozen times and at the same time heard "We better do something crazy to end up in the blog" at least three or four times. Thus the blog is slightly fragmented but believe me when I say that it was a weekend that definitely made me consider heading back to Cola more often.

BONUS:
Since I like to review things.
(Again gay gay blogger and the malfunctioning picture button)
Body of Lies: Seeing previews for this movie gave me high hopes. It looked basically like The Departed 2 where instead of playing head shots r' us at the end of the movie they sent Leo off to the middle east to fight Al Quida (or however they spell it). Truth be told if I were to describe the movie I would describe it as The Departed meets Syriana. That said, good action scenes meets mind numbing boredom trying to get its fifteen minutes on the soap box scolding the mean dumb USA. The story line held me for the duration of the movie, but L.C. was disappointed because Leo and the hot middle eastern love interest didn't jump from not being able to hold hands to some steamy post-torture sex. I would say that if you are like Steve and want to have Leo's man babies, then this is one that you will love. Others could probably take it or leave it, but it was more or less good. Oh and Russell Crowe has a pretty darn good Southern twang going, which was pretty amusing.

I give this movie 3 out of 5 Goldstons

(My new rating system, and again if there was pictures, this is where goofy D.P. heads would go)

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Despite C.P.'s dislike of movies, I like them and watched this one yesterday and here's what I thought.

This movie is about a guy (Jason Segal) who gets dumped by his actress girlfriend (Kristen Bell) and then when he tries to get away and forget, ends up going to the same Hawaiian resort as her and her new boyfriend (Russell Brand).

For a comedy, this movie's first hour or so is very depressing to me. We can all relate to Segal's plight of getting dumped, which is made even worse because Kristen Bell is a frickin super hottie. If I somehow bagged a serious hottie like her, and got dumped after dating for five years, I would probably lie on my floor in the fetal position as well. The movie splashes in very funny parts during this hour of depression that make it good enough to keep watching. Segal's step-brother and his aloof wife, as well as the newly-wed couple are absolutely hilarious to me.

The problem comes in that it looks like someone at the production company said, "Let's see how many Superbad and 40-year-old Virgin actors we can fit in for little parts." Jonah Hill from Superbad does his patented fat and annoying character. Paul Rudd is very forgettable as a surf instructor. The movie wouldn't have lost anything just cutting every scene with them.

The other problem comes with Kristen Bell, who is far too likable to actually feel that she's the bad guy in this story. Her character has plenty of problems and I almost felt worse for her then for Segal's main character that gets dumped by her. She's hot, seemingly very funny and caring while Segal's character is a lazy oaf who barely cares about anyone but himself. Also the "That 70's show" chick that is the replacement love interest isn't nearly hot enough for me to think, "Well he got the better end of the stick in the end." While the story would have strayed from the usual, find new girl and end up in a better happy place story, I would have been fine with them just getting back together in the end. It probably would be more of a realistic end to the story.

The vampire musical saved this movie for me. Just as I was about to write it off as a mediocre 40-year-old Virgin knockoff, this part slid in and saved the whole thing. I would watch this movie again just to watch that scene.

Overall for all the hype that I heard about this movie, I was less then impressed. It's worth a rental, but that's about it. I give Forgetting Sarah Marshall a 2.5 out of 5.

Funniest Post-blog Text Ever

"I don't care about movies, go f*&% a fat girl and tell us about it....movies are boooooring"

Sadly they don't deliver those to my door in nice little red envelopes.