Wondering...

I was thinking today, are the people that I think are stupid actually the smart ones and I'm the dumb one? It's sorta a distressing thing to think about.

I hope I'm just right.

You Know You Play Too Much Farcry 2...

1. You develop a natural fear of Jeep Liberties- When you play for hours and every time you see one of these death wagons roll up and some douche bag with an AK tries to run you over and then hops out and tries to punch holes in your nice soft skin, suddenly the soccer mom following you on the highway seems like America's most wanted.

2. You start looking for helpful flashing objects in every room- So what if someone hasn't hidden briefcases of uncut diamonds in my bathroom, there's gotta be something in here that I can use.

3. You carry around a ratchet set in your car- Just in case the engine starts smoking and you need to tighten that handy bolt on the radiator that fixes everything from bullet holes to smacking into a rock wall.

4. You attach important papers to cardboard- Heck that map in the game suddenly becomes water proof, bullet proof, fire proof, doesn't stain, tear or become misplaced. It also somehow folds up into a tiny pocket sized carry on. Hell my keys are going to be attached to cardboard.

5. You wonder about the everyday businesses around you- Which are ammo strongholds? Which are harboring arms dealers? Which have huge gas tanks just waiting to blow with an arrant sniper shot? Danger is everywhere.

Mieneke

I found out today that Mieneke (sp?) is the place to go. I'm really terrible about getting my oil changed when I should but today I was like, "Hell why not, get some better gas millage and stuff" (my car is already a frickin beast, it gets like high twenties MPG and I can still blow by shitty hybrids like they're standing still). Now I went to Jiffy Lube before, after telling my coworkers that it had been like 20,000 miles since I got my oil changed and they looked at me like my car should be on fire in the parking lot, and Jiffy Lube has like a million little guys running around and fixing shit and it seems really professional. But they bring you out into the shop and have you look at this computer that says that they reccomend you get all this shit fixed and that they can cut you a deal for like $900 bucks for all this crap that I know my three year old car doesn't need.

So I walk into Mieneke today and they're like "We'll look at 45 different things, change your filters, rotate your tires, and give it a happy ending for $20 and a Bojangles bisquit." They have George "Grillmaster" Forman smiling at me from the counter and I'm like "hell yeah, hell go all supreme on its ass." So I'm reading a couple magazines, finding out that Sports Illustrated really hangs on Peyton Manning's penis and the guy is like "For six bucks a tire, we'll balance those biznatches for you," So I figure that they're already basically jacking off my car in the back for like nothing, why not. So they keep doing their thing and it goes on for a while and the guy comes back to me again. He starts telling me what a good girl my car was and all the systems were all pristine and crap and ends with a little "Your transmission fluid is breaking down a little bit, but thats like the only thing" So I ask how much that would be and start trying to look around like rainman for their big board of prices. He says something like $100, and I was thinking in my head that if it was like $40 I might go all out today and spoil her. But I said no and he didnt give me the "you're gonna die" sigh that they do and I finished reading my magazine and paid my tiny bill and the car runs like a dream.

Way to go Mieneke.

Damn You Mongolians!!!

I made Mongolian beef tonight for dinner. They may knock down the "shitty" wall, but the beef is frickin delicious. And of course because its me, I had to add hot sauce to it. But peach hot sauce to match the sweetness of the dish. I know I know, stop watching Food Network and go out and get laid. Well to all the single ladies out there, just know that you too can be sharing Mongolian Beef (which I actually made with ground chicken, so its not really beef I guess) with America's Sweetheart.

I feel since this week was the presidential inauguration that I should probably say something on my thoughts. While I was burnt out on Obama-itis in the days and hours of build up to the big event and I felt that they went slightly overboard. Sure first black president and everything, but to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on an inauguration in the midst of an economic crisis seems sort of silly. But I do have to say that his speech was very very moving and I almost welled up with American pride at several moments. While I think President Obama will prove to be just another Democrat, he's definitely a strong speaker and its nice to give America a powerful voice in the world.

As far as his cabinet selections, it will never happen but it would be hilarious if they don't approve Hillary. I think her head could explode on national TV. To lose the primaries, get appointed to a cabinet post and then be rejected by the other democrats, it would be priceless. The one that really bothers me however is that the selection for Treasury Secretary has, get this, been skipping out on his taxes. He had $38,000 in owed taxes, that hes apparently taken care of since he was named as the pick for secretary. But in his words, he was "confused" about the tax rules. The guy that will be the head of the entire country's money situation, can't figure out his own tax stuff. Oh yeah I'm optimistic about this one.

It's been a semi-long week and I'm definitely looking forward to a weekend in COLUMBIA, which should be pretty interesting. So blog fans, keep posted, and Cola people, get ready for some fun.

Tucker Max

Today I got a request from TK "Dr. Thunder" Davis to write a blog about Tucker Max, saying that my blog reminded him of tuckermax.com only I'm less mean,

I read a lot of Tucker Max's site a couple years ago and really thought it was hilarious. Especially the story where he got the breathalyzer and talked about his blood alcohol level in relation to the ungodly things that happened to him (which I believe ended with him with no pants outside a sushi restaurant). But then all of a sudden he got famous, wrote a book and seemed to stop writing about anything except for how awesome everyone else thought he was.

While I can sorta see how my blog is at times a lot like this stories. I think its a little more humble than him and pull in much fewer women. I don't feel very comfortable talking about my sexual escapades in my blog (even though a lot of the time they are pretty darn funny, I'm not sure if that's good or not), at least for now. Truth be told, most of the time I'm not getting wasted and chasing women. I watch a ton of movies (and may start doing more movie reviews) and TV, during the week. I don't like drinking alone or going into work hung over (teamed with also feeling sort of uncomfortable about writing about work, with the fear that someone from work might stumble across it), often my window for doing something hilarious is limited to two or three days a week. But I'll do my best to keep writing stuff y'all enjoy and hopefully someday enough people could read this that I could either be sponsored or get a book deal, which would be pretty sweet. Thanks to Dr. Thunder for his topic suggestion.

Hello Again

I noticed recently that with the addition of Netflix to X-box live has created a paradox. You can go online and select movies in their "Play Now" section and add them to your Instant Queue and then go and watch them on the big screen using the 360. While this is very convenient, it also causes me to go through much fewer movies a month that they send me. Movies sit on my counter for a week before I pop them in. I used to get it and watch it and turn it around in a day or so and now I'm doing 8 movies a month through the mail. While I'm not sure this is a terrible thing, seeing how the online movies are just as good in quality, with only a slightly worse selection. Maybe I will drop it from two at a time to one at a time.

Another thing it causes me to do is discard bad movies very quickly. If I queue up an instant movie and in the first fifteen minutes it doesn't impress me, I cut it off immediately and move on to the next one. When my only choices were to watch the movies that I got in the mail, I would sit through some really awful movies because it was either that or watch reruns of NCIS. While its sorta nice to not have all my eggs in that little red basket, I also wonder if I cut the movie off too fast and missed the hidden gem that it will become. Then again the blond girl might just make bad decisions for the next hour and a half, to the point where I'm yelling at my TV for her to get some parental supervision.

Last weekend D.P. and L.C. came to visit. Its always a mind boggling experience being around those two. One second they are cuddling on the floor, everyone is peachy, we're playing some Scene It (or not so much playing as I'm kicking ass and they're trying to keep up), and the next: there's an accidental elbow to the balls that starts a shouting match, an angry controller throw, and about a half hour's worth of arguments and apologizing. Of course this is followed by a cutesy make up kiss, and then another argument about the amount of alcohol that is being consumed. It's like hot to cold and back again in zero seconds flat. Can't end up being a good thing. 

Also last weekend we bid a fond farewell to Captain Pretentious and The Katie. They moved off to Sweden and left us poor country folks behind. While we all promised to come visit, and the idea of hot easy women (Swedish chicks are the most likely in the world to have a one night stand, over 65% have) and tasty meatballs is very appealing, I doubt I ever will. The simple fact is that I would much rather drop several hundred dollars and my year's vacation days on a nice Caribbean vacation then going over there and freezing my ass off. I'm pretty content over here sending C.P. obscene text messages at ungodly Swedish hours.

OK I think I'm going to go try to find a coffee table or some art to spice up my walls here. If y'all want to get more posts, you should really say "You should update your blog, write about...." and insert your own subjects. I could use the help after coming home brain fried from work.